I’ve long thought that sex and love addiction would be a great topic for a movie and now I’ve seen three recent movies on this theme and they are all excellent. I did not detect one false note.
I realize that most people can’t take this addiction seriously, but those who are interested in understanding it will be well served by these films.
An addiction to anything that takes your pain away (such as alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, sex, love, TV, sports, work, exercise, etc) will gradually take over your life and reduce your functioning. I’ve gone my life feeling uncomfortable in my own skin and ill at ease around 99% of people, and since age eight, I’ve been picking up addictions such as to fantasy, sports, etc that give me a high and remove me from reality and from reminders of my failures in trying to relate to people.
I often said I had an addictive personality but did not realize I was an addict (to process addictions like gambling, love, exercise, work, etc) until May of 2011.
I grew up as a Seventh-Day Adventist and I had a great fear of addicts. I thought they were dirty smelly dangerous people like winos in the gutter and Aboriginees on the rampage. As I’ve hung out in 12-step rooms over the past three years, I’ve realized that many addicts (particularly to drugs and alcohol) are indeed dangerous while others (addicts to exercise, TV, work, etc) are no more dangerous than the average person. I’ve come to see what I have in common with alcoholics and drug addicts and I’ve come to believe in a common solution (12 Steps). Most of the 12-step literature I consume is aimed at alcoholics but I find it speaks to me.
I love how the 12 Steps points out that the desire to rescue/or to be rescued are different facets of the same thing. In some of my relationships with powerful women, I wanted to be rescued, but sometimes I find women more pathetic than me and I enjoy for a while rescuing them. My girlfriend of a few years ago, when I told her to get her act together and to be responsible, repeatedly said to me, “You love me because I’m pathetic.” She was cute and it was kinda fun for a while picking her up, giving her a home, bringing her into my life, introducing her to my friends and community, taking her out to eat, taking her on a long road trip, but eventually I tired of her inability to build an adult life.
I got a comment on one of my blog posts, “Help me” (that was all she said) and I immediately researched the commenter’s pictures to see if I wanted to help her.
A wise female friend tells me:
There is a saying in DA (Debtors Anonymous) that I like: “No one is coming.”
No rescuers are on the way.
I like rescuing people, but I try not to do it with guys. I don’t even buy my boyfriends clothes (anymore) because I learned that it made them look at you as a mother figure and then they start acting passive and pathetic. I end up hating passive guys.
Here’s a great article on sex addiction:
“Sexaholics Anonymous is by far the most rigid, fundamentalist and conservative of all the fellowships. Most of its members, like its founder Roy K., are religious. In New York most attendees are from the Orthodox Jewish community, along with Episcopalian or Roman Catholic clergymen. Serious problems such as pedophilia or incessant patronage of prostitutes are the main concern. “Deviant” behaviors such as sodomy, onanism, sadomasochism and a penchant for gang bangs are also addressed. Sexual sobriety is defined not only as freedom from all “inappropriate” behaviors but also “progressive victory over lust.” The only acceptable expression of the sexual impulse is through vanilla heterosexual carnal relations with one’s legally recognized spouse—man and wife, ideally in the missionary position, as sanctioned by the Holy Bible. Homosexual members are welcome—so long as they commit to a life of celibacy.”