I identify with his drive for attention and acclaim to ward off his underlying shame. I identify with seeking so desperately for affirmation from strangers that you’ve increased your own shame and humiliation. That’s how addiction works. I love the distraction of attention seeking, love and fantasy addiction etc because it relieves me from the burden of my own shame and self-loathing.
When I came to California from Australia in 1977 at age 11, I quickly got the label of insecure. Australians weren’t as psychologically attuned as Americans. They were rougher, blunter and less sophisticated. The Yanks really nailed me. At my core, I was insecure, and that’s why I did so much acting out to get attention such as by eating insects, ripping loud farts in class, arranging debates, making fun of other kids, etc. In Australia, when these retarded kids visited our school in their wheelchairs, I made fun of them.
All of my life, I’ve thrown myself out there for attention, much as a plant angles towards the sun. As I’ve aged, I’ve managed to let go of my grosser behavior, but I’m still a needy boy at core. Through therapy, religion, 12-step work, and the taking on of responsibility, I’ve been trying to build myself up.
* I got furious this afternoon when Match.com refused to approve my profile because it was “unintelligible or repetitious.” Who are they to grade my writing like that?
* I have no desire to learn another profession. I will work a humdrum job to pay the bills so I can leave my mind free to write. Good thing I haven’t made any babies to support or I’d have to grow up in a hurry and change my tune.
