I was in shul watching a siddur (prayer book) about to fall off a shelf and I felt physically sick, my stomach wrenched, as I waited for its fall (it didn’t, someone grabbed it). When I watch the same thing on TV, I get this same feeling in my stomach, similar to a fear of heights, like I’m falling from a great way up. I wonder what this is called? When I walk down the street, I often see car accidents about to happen, which never do, and my stomach gets knotted up similarly. In the wider world, people seem so reckless and careless and it frightens me.
* A young attractive female friend was telling me about attending an Eyes Wide Shut style party in Beverly Hills where the women were raffled off for some worthy cause.
* I wonder why I tend to date women who were abused in childhood and have fathers who are perverts.
* Whatever you experienced intensely in childhood, you’re going to want to marry.
* There are a lot of people who die from auto-asphyxiation while chasing greater highs… One of them I interviewed extensively — the actor David Carradine.
The difference between “addiction” and a healthy drive is the role it plays in your life. Addiction means the reward centers in your brain operate in a way that don’t allow you to make good decisions in an area. I’ve long operated in ways that were not to be my benefit. For instance, I keep trying to recreate the trauma of abandonment I experienced before the age of four when my mother died so I seek out relationships and communities that will abandon me.
Love addict was my self-diagnosis (and one therapist thought I might be, another therp thought I was not), but it doesn’t mean much to me, it’s just a route into the benefits of 12 step work. I could’ve done it for my over-eating or other problems.
* All of his life, a man will have an internal dialogue with his mother.
* How do you know if you have a good therapist? If you are seeing how you play a significant role in your own misery (Stephen Marmer).
* I have paid off two credit cards in full, just five to go (about $43,000). I’ve reduced my CC debt by about $6,000 in the past year. And I’m getting needed dental and physical therapy work next week. I’ll be able to pray to HaShem out of a pure mouth and lithe body!
* In my passionate relationships, we typically break up a dozen times over the course of a year. Every break-up makes our connection weaker but our reunions more intense though mournful.
* Neediness = too high expectations of others.
* I love referring to women as “broads.” I know this is wrong and I want to stop (at least in public).
* When I think about most people I know dying, I primarily feel relief because I won’t have to negotiate with them anymore. I won’t have to shudder about awkward things I’ve said and done, or that they’ve said and done.
* I just assume that cable TV shows will be more interesting than general interest tame network fare. I do look forward to the return of 24.
* I just want to be quiet and to listen to what life is telling me. If I can only let down my defenses and listen, I can get on the right track.
* The angrier I make people, the happier I get (in the moment, not in the long run). Provoking people does not make for my long-term happiness. An easy laugh can lead to a permanent rupture with people I want in my life.
* I’m dragging myself through therapy tonight when I got onto the topic of how much joy I get out of provoking people. I feel so empty much of the time until I get on Facebook and start outraging. What do I get out of provoking people? It makes me feel powerful to see others incapacitated with anger over things I say. I enjoy the attention. It’s an outlet for my anger. It is an imitation of my father. I was always the class clown in school and people weren’t laughing at my gentle humor. In every joke, there’s a victim. Humor is disguised hostility. If only I could make money with it and get a wife.
If I got half as much joy out of helping people as I do out of provoking people, I’d be ahead of the game!
