* My moral bank account is stuck in a Cypriot Holding Company and I can’t make the withdrawals I need.
* My deepest fear is that I am not competent at life, that I am not up to its routine challenges. I sense from women I’ve known well that their deepest fear is that they are not worthy of love.
* I am meeting a lot of lawyers whose wives berate them for not working hard enough. One bloke won’t send his wife a link during the work day to an article she’d like for fear she’ll reprimand him for slacking off. I don’t want this. I want my wife to pay the bills and I’ll berate her for slacking off.
* I’m not just a wallet that women can insert themselves into at whim.
* I am embarrassed to have written so much crap but was encouraged to hear today that it read like a “maze.”
* At work, I’m asked by a bloke: “You got any picks for my March madness bracket?”
I lean back in my chair, put my hand behind my head, arch my back and say, “Yeah, I took some pics for you last night.”
“I can’t get a straight guy out of you,” said the lawyer, “can’t get a straight answer either.”
* I hear a bellowing from my boss’s office.
I walk in and inquire, “What’s troubling you, sir?”
“You!” he roars.
* David Choe was a terrific challenge Tuesday night. As the podcast host, he’s alternately brutally honest and just plain brutal, but he gave me waters and all the coconut juice I could drink and he ordered me a town car home and so I felt like a big shot at the end of the night and couldn’t sleep.
* I get fleeting strength from the likes, comments and Klout of my FB. What’s the psychological term for this kind of propping up? I also get strength from being adored. Is this primarily histrionic PD or narcissistic PD or borrowed functioning?
* What are the most important realizations I’ve had about women over the course of my life? Please list them out in chronological order. It’s for my new book.
* We’re in a trade war with China and bras need to be our first line of defense. (West Wing Season 5. Ep. 15)
* 3yo girl to middle aged folks: I feel sorry for you, you’ll be dead soon.
* Whenever I hear my fellow Jews complaining (88% of my waking hours), and I feel like I can get away with it, I say, “This is how the Holocaust got started.” Today I said that after complaints about an un-repaired tear in the carpet.
* I can’t imagine respecting anyone who likes Justin Timberlake’s music. And I love pop music.
* Boss: “Is it hot in here?”
Luke: “Do you want me to change into something a little more comfortable?”
Boss: “Yeah. A noose.”
* Told my boss, “There is no limit to how happy God wants you to be.”
He says, “Then why did He send you to me?”
* I’ve got my haircuts down to twice a year. It seems like a waste of money to have more. Now I’m ready for Passover.
* Has there ever been a man who said, “Do you want to talk about it?”
* I’m a doting nurturing boyfriend when I’m not in the grip of my eroticized rage.
* My girlfriends typically want to emasculate me. Makes it hard for me to sleep.
* At what point in a relationship does a couple exchange FB/email passwords?
* When I was on lithium, I smelt metallic. Now I just smell like Old Spice spilt on an ancient Torah scroll.
* With every status update, I forfeit a potential wife. My perceptions are too keen for comfort.
* Someone just walked in with his walky talky on and I felt myself looking forward to dressing him down and saying, “I’m trying to run a law office here.” If you’re looking forward to giving admonition, you shouldn’t, and so I didn’t, even though the guilty party is probably in this country illegally.
* Who stands to gain in your family if you mess up your life?
* I know too many religious people whose only interest in you is if you will adopt their religion. I loathe people like this.
* I had such rage against girls in middle school and high school because they would always be asking me, “Do you have any gum?” And they would never offer to pay. They would just suck me dry of my gum and other goodies. Also, when girls would get mad at me, they’d punch me but I was never allowed to hit them back. This still boils me up. How come women/rabbis can beat me but I can’t beat ’em back? I need to call my sponsor.
* My buddy asks: “What do you really get from the Jews?”
Luke: “Aggravation.”
Buddy: “You’re an anti-Semite who just wants to get close to the target.”
* Luke wants to feel as excited about the good things he’s dedicated to as the selfish exploitative bad things that lured him in the past.
* When girls are hot, they have the world at their feet. Then they hit the wall (some hit at 17, most by 25) and I feel such joy when they can no longer skate by on their looks. All these women who rejected me have hit the wall and never married.
