I’ve never had emotions that prevented me from doing whatever was before me. That said, I’ve been feelings these tidal waves of rage and despair the past few weeks. I thought at first they were related to my therapy, readings, and writings excavating my childhood, but now I’m thinking I’m infected by the tides of rage and despair in people close to me. The other day when I wanted to pull out, there was this car blocking me and when I asked the driver to move, he said he was waiting to pull in just ahead of me when that driver left his parking space. I went back to my car muttering “stupid”. Thirty seconds later, everyone shifted and I was able to drive out. Upon reflection, I realized that I could’ve gotten into a lot of trouble with my bellyaching about “stupid.” I could’ve been shot for my fit of temper. What the hell is going on with me? Why the rage?
I’m feeling such loss these days. I’m looking back at my life and seeing how I’ve been emotionally crippled and always choosing solitary endeavors because I don’t play nicely with others (like certain of my dominant childhood influencers). I look at my unhappy current life position and I think that if I could just get along normally with other people, I’d be in a much better place.
