I have a hard time with eye contact when walking up to a person I know. If the person is a good friend or a stranger, it’s no problem, but if there’s anything troubled in our relationship or if I like her too much, I get nervous. I don’t want to maintain eye contact. I want to look away. But either option feels forced and uncomfortable. I think I didn’t get much reflection as an infant, didn’t lock eyes with my mom in my second and third year, and something’s broken as a result. So I either stare or forcefully look away. I’m sure there’s some name for this syndrome.
I first noticed my problem in 10th grade, the first year I went to public school. Prior to that, I was in a Seventh-Day Adventist cocoon and never noticed feeling uncomfortable when I saw somebody I knew walking towards me. But at public school, I started feeling uncomfortable when I wasn’t sure how to respond. How friendly should I be? How much eye contact should I maintain? If the person was a friend, it was no problem. I didn’t feel nervous. But if the person wasn’t a friend but I knew him, then I got all nervous and looked away or stared too hard and I felt myself tensing up. Do I wave? Do I acknowledge the other person? Do I wait for him to acknowledge me? What if he didn’t like something I wrote in the school newspaper? Do I always have to say hi first? Do I have the strength to wait for him to say something?
