Why do I frighten people? Is it my brusque disregard in the pursuit of my ends? When you think about others, you can’t be enraged and you can’t frighten. (Stephan Poulter)
Seduction is the most intoxicating thing in the world to me. I just love the splash of fresh hair on my pillow. It’s addictive. There was such a change for me when I went from my first partner to my second. The connection stopped being sacred. It became sporting, therapeutic, a process that took away my anxiety and loneliness.
Seduction is addictive. You get caught in the rush and you try to find it again and again. You become a user. You lose sensitivity to life and to others. You lose empathy. You lose your soul. You use everyone to meet your addictive needs.
Judaism and 12-Step and anything transcendent represent the opposite of this type of using. It is salvation from the tyranny of the self.
That’s my battle — between doing what I want and doing what God wants for me (to be happy, healthy and free). Part of me yearns to connect to other people and part of me is frightened by this intimacy. I ride this roller coaster. Intimacy is so hard for me. That deep connection exhausts me.
“Do you want to push people away? Do you want to scare people? What does that do to you? How do you react? How do you respond? Where does that take you? What do you do when someone says that? What’s inside? Is it nervous laughter? Why is it absurd? How do you make sense of it? These extremes and paradoxes. What is it that mesmerizes some people and creeps out others? The honesty? About yourself or about others?”
I have a filter. I’ve never been in a place where I felt like I had to say everything I was thinking. I just don’t like acquiescing to pieties unless I’m getting paid good money at a job. Other than that, I don’t like to listen to false pieties.
* My Chuan Xiong Cha Tiao Pian finally arrived and I’m sleeping again after a ten day interruption. I love this website for the lowest priced Chinese herbs.
* How would you react if your partner/fiance asked you to delete all of your opposite sex FB friends? And if he got to keep his because he “inspired” them with his posts?
I can see asking a partner to delete her FB friends she’s had sex with. Still, it would be coming from insecurity and would likely bring about the very thing you’re trying to prevent.
Does Judaism demand that a married person remove all opposite-sex FB friends?
* Have you ever met a single woman over say, 42, who was not bitter and full of anger against men?
* May 2013 be the year we all finally figure out how to make good money off of the goyim. I think we need to focus on the Chinamen, who have the money. I will be doing online seminars in which I explain the secrets of the Jews to the Chinese. “Learn the secrets of the Jews from a Christian who became one.”
* I’m working on a new book called, “How The Goyim Think: A Guide For Jews To The Non-Jew.” I need your suggestions on topics to cover.
* For the goy, love is always good, tradition and ritual are bad.
* For the goy, the next world is more important than this one.
* For the goy, much study makes you unmanly. Intellectuals are to be suspected.
* For the goy, pride is a big sin and compliments are to be deflected.
* For the goy, what someone believes or does not believe about God is more important than what he does.
* The abuse of religious authority (aka clergy who molest) pushes my buttons more than anything. I also loathe false pieties (such as when Orthodox Jews go around quoting the Chofetz Chaim book as though it’s the Jewish standard on proper speech, as though the Rambam’s 13 Principles are “the last word in Jewish theology,” see Marc Shapiro’s book The Limits of Orthodox Theology). I hate listening to lame sermons. I hate it when people give me some lame self-help story I’ve already heard 50 times. I hate it when people treat me as unintelligent.
Lewis Fein: Note to self: “Patient exhibiting increased aggression and displays of egomania. Recommend continued treatment and revocation of weekend furloughs.”
* I was telling a friend that I’d take Landmark Forum if somebody else paid. She replied: “I’d take it if someone else paid” is something that you do not need to state at this point, about anything.
* I feel like my FB page is my Landmark Forum. I sit in a room and have people tell me what’s wrong with me. It’s all about me! Sure, it hurts, but it’s intoxicating. And it’s healthier for me than porn.
* When I started with Kundalini Yoga in January 2009, I fell in love with it. Then, a few weeks later, after I had suffered some serious injuries requiring expensive physical therapy, I decided to Google the matter. I ended up on Rick Ross’s site and was taken aback that it was described as a dangerous cult. I read everything, much of it multiple times, but continued on with the yoga for as long as I could afford it (two years) because I loved it and I love the people there. I think “cult” is usually used a put-down for a new religion.
* My father never seems to need anything. He’s the most self-sufficient guy I know. By contrast, I drip with need. Just before my 40th birthday, my ex-GF Holly said, “What do you get for the guy who has nothing?” I think that denial of all need and dripping with need are two sides of the same coin, just like yearning to rescue or to be rescued.
* All of the girls I wanted in high school? I’m looking them up on Facebook and I no longer want any of them. It scares me to think that the woman I marry will get ugly, old and fat. Some women look good into their 60s and that is what I want. I want her to try to look good for me.
* Two is the biggest number. When you’ve only been with one woman, it seems possible to imagine going your entire life with only her. But once you’ve sampled someone else, you’re off to the races.
* Kristy K. was my obsession in ninth grade at Forest Lake Christian School. She was tall and elegant. She’s now a probation officer with gun and bullet proof vest.
Girls are just amazing things. They’re the ultimate drug. Sure glad I’m sober now and able to relate to them as human beings.
