It was not until I was 23 that I started thinking about converting to Judaism. I was sick that December of 1989 and living with my brother in Tannum Sands. I decided that month to become Jewish.
That was the last Christmas I celebrated. It was with most of my relatives on my mother’s side. I weighed about 130 pounds and was a wreck. My life had fallen apart because of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I had dropped out of UCLA and felt lost.
My Seventh-Day Adventist family did not celebrate Christmas when I was growing up because it had pagan roots. I’ve been racking my mind tonight to think of childhood Christmas memories with my family, and I can only think of one, December of 1978 when my sister went out and bought a tree and decorated it and wrapped presents. That was so much fun. My sister was always a source of joy and adventure.
I’ve observed a lot more rituals as a Jew on Christmas than when I was a Seventh-Day Adventist who regarded the holiday as pagan. As a Jew on Christmas, I inevitably get together with other Jews, usually at Schwartzie’s party. It’s a bonding day. There was this girl who used to take me for a walk around the most elaborate displays in Santa Monica and then we’d sit by the ocean and make out.
* Seventh-Day Adventists are two-thirds women and frequently hot. The religion is all about healing and modesty and appeals to the female way of thinking.
* I can’t tell my Persian friends about women I like because they get hyper whenever said women walk into the room and they start nudging me and pointing and whispering and my WASP sensibility finds this appalling. I’ll be at lunch and they’ll start asking me within earshot of the women, “Do you want her? Does she make it go up?” I want to disappear under the table. I’m also not into having intermediaries make inquiries on my behalf, which is the Orthodox custom. Despite my conversion, I have a WASP reserve. Just read my FB posts.
* As I rehearse my one man play, I find it works much better when I sing as much as possible. I’m going to make Eroticized Rage a musical with lots of numbers inspired by the Carpenters and Kasey Chambers. Cos’ you’re the captain and I am nothing.
