So I had known this woman since shortly after I moved to Los Angeles in 1994. She was a fellow convert to Judaism. We often went to the same temples. She was a shy timid sort, a good girl, but I made her laugh. She was a professional, an accountant I think, while I was finding my way in the world.
One evening in 1996, we went to the movie Emma. I think that was the only time we went out.
Some time around 1999, we went to a Jewish event and I ended up at her apartment for the first time.
We’re sitting on the couch and I’m afraid to make a move because I know her and we have many temples and friends in common. On the other hand, I feel attracted to her. I know she likes me, but I don’t know how much.
So I start tickling her and we roughhouse on her couch and I’m not sure if it is OK, or if it is scary for her, if I should be more aggressive or less, and whether we are going forward or backward. On the one hand, I feel like we’re about to do the ultimate deed and to become boyfriend-girlfriend. On the other hand, I fear I am way out of line.
So I stop. And I’m not sure where we stand. I don’t call her. I don’t ask her out.
I don’t know what happened between us after that but it wasn’t much.
So I look back now and imagine that we were on the verge of something. We both would’ve been better off, I think, if we had gone forward.
