Here are some of my assignments from my opening class in producing a one-man play:
WHAT INSPIRES YOU?
* Music
* Good Torah teaching.
* Attention
* Beauty
* The desires to communicate, to understand, to work things out
* Great ideas, writing, performance
* 12-step meetings
* Examples of courage
WHAT DO I NEED TO KEEP GOING?
* A feeling of progress
* Making a commitment, spending money
* Talking about it with others and feeling the social pressure
* Supportive friends
WHAT ARE MY FEARS ABOUT DOING THIS SHOW?
* Nobody will show up.
* I don’t want to get all fancy and high-tech
* Getting sick the day of the show
* The tension between telling the truth and social acceptability
WHAT INSPIRED ME TO DO THIS?
* 12-step work
* Realizations in psycho-therapy
* Conversations with people about the topic (eroticized rage)
* A desire to work on my presentation skills
WHAT COMES TO ME WHEN I TAKE MY BOW AT THE END OF MY SHOW?
I hope people will be moved, inspired, excited. I hope they will ask questions. Some people will be changed. You can feel it when you connect with your audience. “When you tell the truth, the air crackles,” says writing teacher Terrie Silverman.
I want each sentence to be simple and true. Declarative. Subject, verb, object.
I want to see that I am living my life’s purpose. I want my image of myself and my capabilities to match reality. I don’t want to live in delusion.
WHAT IS THE FIRST IMAGE PEOPLE SEE IN A POSTER OF MY STORY?
Headline: “Eroticized Rage: One Man’s Struggle With Sex Addiction” And pair that provocative headline with the most happy tranquil innocent photo of my present self.
WHAT DO WE SEE IN THE FIRST GALLERY OF MY ART EXHIBIT FOR MY PLAY?
Photos of me from childhood, photos of innocence lost, looking like a Holocaust survivor, fear, rage, loneliness, confusion, awkwardness, exclusion, alienation, struggle, squashed, battered, ostracized, beaten dog, uncool, needy, longing, yearning, questioning, wondering, searching, running, climbing, flying, leaping, swimming, seeking. Acting out followed by shame, remorse, seclusion followed by ritualizing, acting out and the repeat of the addictive cycle. The highs and lows of addiction without any need for substances such as drugs or alcohol. Process addictions.
SECOND GALLERY
The teenager increasingly out of his father’s shadow and family’s influence, edging outside, losing his religion, falling in love, the first reciprocation, frolicking at the Pacific Union College swimming pool in the summer of 1982, the first awkward touch, embrace, holding of hands, going public, forced to part, my jealousy when she goes out with others, refusing to answer her letter. Reconciliation. Making out. Leaving her behind in vengeance.
FINAL GALLERY
Photos of psycho-therapy, Google research on “eroticized rage”, the first 12-step meeting for sex addiction, realizing I am not alone, realizing that porn is not my problem, it’s just a symptom of how I act out, avoiding the 13th Step. I sit in Starbucks working through the Fourth Step, taking a complete and fearless moral inventory, writing out my resentment list, it goes on for pages, my fear list, my sexual inventory list, making amends to those I’ve hurt.
WHAT DO I WANT MY AUDIENCE TO EXPERIENCE AS THEY WALK THROUGH THE GALLERIES?
Some people will identify as sex and love addicts. For others, it will just be weirdly fascinating. Some will say these things are universal, not an addiction, just a failure of moral will. As long as every photo is spontaneous and raw, none of them posed, people will be moved.
WHY AM I DOING THIS SHOW?
Because so many people suffer from the same problems I have and they should know that help is available. There are groups they can go to where they won’t be judged. You are not alone.
WHAT IS THE GIFT TO ME FROM DOING THIS SHOW?
I face my demons. I go public with them. I sketch them out, explain them, and find the strength to face myself as I am.
