I accept that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.
When I was an atheist (from age 18-22), I had bosses in landscaping who were pentacostals. They thought I acted like a good Christian and couldn’t understand my atheism.
“I want to do what I want to do,” I told them. “I don’t want to subordinate myself to God.”
I’ve always been in rebellion against being told what to do. Only since I realized at age 22 that my own inclinations would destroy me have I been able to accept the dictates of organized religion. Only when I had no other choice.
God is the only ends you can pursue without limiting yourself, without worshiping an idol.
I notice that the religious people around me, Jewish and goyish, don’t have the problems that I do (most of which spring from my selfish desire to do what I want, screw everyone else).
I see this in movies and TV. When characters don’t have over-arching purpose, they’re highly likely to destroy themselves by pursuing their own desires.
I can look to people around to see what a God-centered life can achieve.
Much of who I am and what I do has been shaped by my addictions and most of the time, I did not even know it.
I need to keep returning to authentic human connection, the kind I had at Stephen S. Wise temple and Aish HaTorah.
Psycho-therapy is helping me with connection. I see how I’ve been needlessly cutting people out of my life because I don’t like to negotiate relationships, I don’t like to reveal my emotions, I don’t like to talk things out.
So much of my life has been working at cross-purposes. The porn vs the Torah. Now everything is working together.
