I left my home of over 14 years Sunday. It was shattering. I felt sad and helpless. I felt tired and sweaty. My back hurt. I had great trepidation about the future.
I drove a few blocks to crash in the guest house of a friend.
And life is all brand new! Most of my routines are gone! This is the first time in 48 hours I’ve had access to a computer. I used to live online. When I felt angst, I blogged it out. I blogged compulsively. If I had an opinion, I blogged it out. If I got a funny email, I wrote about it.
Now I’ve had to disconnect from the online life and just confront real life on its own terms.
So I’m doing a lot of walking. I’m writing in my journal. I’m lying on my back with my feet up the wall and I’m looking at the sky. I’m sitting in my van and reading books.
Mostly, I’m thinking about my life. I’m 45. I feel like this is a major demarcation. I’m leaving the hovel and starting anew. Starting a respectable existence. Launching a private practice to teach Alexander Technique.
What’s the old saying? A change is as good as a vacation!
I’m living that.
I won’t be online much for the next ten days. Perfect! In the run up to Yom Kippur, I’ll have lots of time for introspection and for making amends. I’ll get to think a second time about my habits, about how I use the internet and TV sports to distract me from the pain of my lonely and desperate life. Perhaps I’ll even using this opportunity to connect with people.
I find that about 2% of humanity, I connect with fast and deep. They’re not offended by my jokes and shock talk. The other 98%? They’re a challenge for me. I want to be more patient. Let go of my need to have all human connection on my terms!