Baruch HaShem, My Dog Was Nifter

Heshy Fried gives this guide to sounding more religious, more Orthodox, than you really are:

Funeral: Say Levaya instead

Death, died or passed away: Nifter is the supreme substitute, if you want to be a bit more moderishe, but not really too unfrum you should use passed away – but always follow it up with zecher tzadik lebracha, ava-shalom or of blessed memory if you want to sound conservative.

How are you doing: The correct response is always to insert Baruch Hashem before whatever you want to say – so if your dog (obviously a BT because frummies are afraid of dogs because it’s a mesorah from the shtetl that the goyim had dogs during the progroms) died and someone says “nu, shmuely, vus mach-du” the correct response would be, “Baruch Hashem my dog was just nifter” and so on.

Friends: Your friends are no longer your friends, homeboys or crew – they are now called your chevra.

Israel: Always called eretz yisroel.

Kiddush Cup: Call it a becher from now on.

Gays: Of you ever talk about the gays at all, you have to throw in words like “toevah” and be sure to spit when you say it.

Meal: No longer is any meal just a meal, now you should call it seuda. Shabbos Meal becomes shabbos seuda.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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