I was breaking the Tisha B’av fast in 1999 at a fine kosher establishment on Robertson Blvd, just south of Pico.
I ran into a woman a few years my senior.
“I’ve got somebody for you,” she said. “This woman — Jewish, secular — said to me, ‘I just want a man to hold me and to tell me I’m pretty.’ And I immediately thought of you.”
“I’m the man for this task,” I said. “Get me her contact info.”
So I started chatting with this girl on AOL.
“Are you a breast man?” she asked.
“Yes,” I said.
“But do you really like them?” she asked.
“Yes,” I said.
And then she emailed me a photo of her in a low-cut top.
“I want to see a picture of your ****,” she wrote.
“But I’m a Torah Jew,” I responded. “My every deed is governed by G-d’s immutable moral law. There is no room in Torah for this kind of display before marriage. I’d rather die than betray my conversion to Judaism. For this Moses led us out Egypt?”
“I want to see a picture of your ****,” she repeated.
With great reluctance, I looked for my digital camera and snapped a photo of my junk modestly covered up by my shorts. Then I uploaded it to my computer and emailed it to her.
She must’ve liked what she saw because we arranged for me to pick her up on Sunset Blvd that Friday night and drive her back to her place in the Valley. That evening and the next morning, I did my best to make her feel pretty (without actually telling her she was pretty and committing the great sin of lying).
Then motzi Shabbos, I took her to four hours of live debate I did on KFI (for the first hour) and then on the Ed Powers Show on FM 97.1.
A few days later, she asked that I get an HIV test. I did, but she never had sex with me again. So I feel like I wasted $75.
And now I can never run for political office in case she still has that picture.
MARK STEYN ON WEINERGATE: “It’s the political class doing all this relentless “work for the American people” that’s turned this country into the brokest nation in the history of the planet, killed the American Dream and left the American people headed for a future poised somewhere between the Weimar Republic and Mad Max. So, if it’s a choice between politicians getting back to work for the American people or Tweeting their privates round the planet, I say, Tweet on, MacDuff. Tough on our young college ladies. But, as Queen Victoria advised her daughter on her wedding night, lie back and think of England. Download and think of America.”
