The emptiness hit first.
Before I even began with my strawberries, pineapple, watermelon, and chocolate chip cookies, I felt completely alone.
I stood off to the side and felt the waves of shame roll over me.
First they were just embarrassment, but then they became self-loathing.
I wanted to flee, but I bribed myself to stay put with more cookies and cake.
I waited for the anger to build but it never arrived.
This was just depression.
A deep sense of ennui.
Utter futility.
Alone in the crowd. Deeply alone.
I miss my friends, those few persons who like to talk to me.
I miss them keenly.
I am ashamed of how much I miss them.
I hate myself for how much I miss them.
Sheesh, in this mode I’ll only exhibit low-status behavior and nobody cool will want to roll with me.
I attempt a conversation.
"Hi, I’m Levi. I know you. We’ve had Shabbos meals together…"
"Levi what?"
"Levi Ben Avraham."
"I’m sorry. I don’t remember you. What do you do?"
"I’m a writer."
"What do you write?"
"A blog about Jewish Los Angeles."
"What’s the address?"
"My name. In English. Luke Ford. Dot net."
"Oh, I’ve read your stuff. You write pornography and yiddishkeit. A strange combination.
"Hey, I’ve got to go talk to some friends. Gut Shabbos."
I fill my plate with more dessert and shove it down my throat.
When I’m ready to burst, I waddle home and fall asleep.
NINE HOURS LATER: "I’m sure there were lots of people there who would’ve liked talking to you."
"Don’t try to argue me out of my feelings. Don’t discount my feelings. I don’t tell you when you’re crying, oh, you shouldn’t cry."
"Sorry. My friend saw you today."
"Did she say I looked sad and lonely?"
"Well, yes. She said you didn’t look happy. You slept with a friend of hers."
Jane emails: "Hi, Next time you feel alone in the crowd, remember us, your readers. We are with you and care about you. The feeling is awkward and uncomfortable, I know that feeling… So, a little self talk helps (to feel less nerves) and joining a few people standing together. Or, walking around with the plate, just nodding your head and smile till you find a parking spot."
