The Stupidest Things I Tell Myself

I talk to myself constantly and much of it is bloody stupid.

I was just lying down and thinking about my life and the dumb things I’ve told myself over the past forty years.

They include:

* You can get away with it!
* They’ll never know!
* You’re special!
* The rules don’t apply to you!
* I’m a writer and I can go anywhere and do anything because it is all for my art!
* There’s a new sheriff in town!
* This isn’t really cheating!
* I’ve changed!
* Why don’t they like me?
* It’s hopeless!
* I’m sunk!
* I’m invincible!
* More attention for me!
* Wouldn’t I look interesting if I went in this direction?

I went through feelings of frustration, anger and despair today/this week/year/decade as I struggle to belatedly take care of things I should’ve tackled decades ago. Much of this work (psycho-therapy, Alexander Technique, addressing my sleep problems, financial issues) is not immediately rewarding.

Most of the things I’ve been battling of late are not getting solved. The turbinate reduction surgery I had a few months ago? Well, the problem I had breathing through my nose while lying down has returned full force.

I’ve ordered a CPAP but my doctor won’t give me a prescription until I undergo more testing.

I was just so frustrated, angry and helpless this afternoon as I ran into these technical recording problems and I knew it wasn’t the technical problems that enraged me but rather my life position. I feel like I am running in circles and getting no closer to leaving my hole. I would’ve wailed and cried if that had done any good, but instead I did ten minutes of active rest and labored on.

Then I took a break after a few hours and wrote in my journal. I find it calming to write out my thoughts and fears. I get to see my self-talk and how silly much of it is. Then I write out things I am grateful for and this makes me happy.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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