I talk to myself constantly and much of it is bloody stupid.
I was just lying down and thinking about my life and the dumb things I’ve told myself over the past forty years.
* You can get away with it!
* They’ll never know!
* You’re special!
* The rules don’t apply to you!
* I’m a writer and I can go anywhere and do anything because it is all for my art!
* There’s a new sheriff in town!
* This isn’t really cheating!
* I’ve changed!
* Why don’t they like me?
* It’s hopeless!
* I’m sunk!
* I’m invincible!
* More attention for me!
* Wouldn’t I look interesting if I went in this direction?
I went through feelings of frustration, anger and despair today/this week/year/decade as I struggle to belatedly take care of things I should’ve tackled decades ago. Much of this work (psycho-therapy, Alexander Technique, addressing my sleep problems, financial issues) is not immediately rewarding.
Most of the things I’ve been battling of late are not getting solved. The turbinate reduction surgery I had a few months ago? Well, the problem I had breathing through my nose while lying down has returned full force.
I’ve ordered a CPAP but my doctor won’t give me a prescription until I undergo more testing.
I was just so frustrated, angry and helpless this afternoon as I ran into these technical recording problems and I knew it wasn’t the technical problems that enraged me but rather my life position. I feel like I am running in circles and getting no closer to leaving my hole. I would’ve wailed and cried if that had done any good, but instead I did ten minutes of active rest and labored on.
Then I took a break after a few hours and wrote in my journal. I find it calming to write out my thoughts and fears. I get to see my self-talk and how silly much of it is. Then I write out things I am grateful for and this makes me happy.