Under Pressure At Heeb Party

Video Stills: Josh Neuman (Heeb publisher and editor) with Beryl, ex-yeshiva bochur Josh Neuman, Beryl Josh Neuman, Beryl Joanna Angel Joanna Angel Joanna Angel Joanna Angel Pinchas, Beryl Pinchas, Beryl Pinchas, Beryl Avital Ash, Beryl Avital Ash, Beryl Avital Ash, Beryl Avital Ash, Beryl Jewish rapper chick Jewish rapper chicks Jewish rapper chicks Jewish rapper chicks Jewish rapper chicks Jewish rapper chick Jewish rapper chick Jewish rapper chicks Won G Alessandra Rizzotti fell 60 feet off a cliff in Malibu a month ago, with a friend Alessandra Rizzotti Alessandra Rizzotti Alessandra Rizzotti Alessandra Rizzotti Alessandra Rizzotti Shalom, Avital Ash Shalom, Avital Ash Abby T. Fifer – Director of Admissions, Fingerhut School of Education; B.A., University of Virginia; M.A.Ed., American Jewish University — recovering from knee surgery just before simchat torah Abby T. Fifer Abby T. Fifer

Pressure!

We need to take that down. All of it. All of it down.

It’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin.

Lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, pride.

It’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin.

He wants to see you.

What have I done now? Oh, I’ve done that and that and that.

Forgive me, rabbi, for I have spent too much money on condoms. I’ll repent and dedicate my future earnings to a condo.

Rabbi, forgive me. Please, please. I will try to be kinder to the opposite sex. And not have too much of it.

How can I frame my trangressions? If I fudge the truth here and bloviate there and just plain lie here, I’ll get by.

Maybe I should just confess all and plead for mercy?

"How are you doing? Are you making progress…"

It’s a sin.

Everywhere I go, everything I do, everyone I do, it’s a sin.

Rabbi, forgive me…

When I look back upon my life forever with a sense of shame, I’ve always been the one to blame.

It’s a sin.

No, we can’t take the umbrella inside. Look, you can leave it in the back seat.

No, don’t take that donut. It’s not yours.

OK, so you took it. Let’s just go.

Stop hitting your brother because he took your donut.

It’s a sin.

No, don’t throw down the tiles.

Now pick them up.

Stop hitting your brother.

It’s a sin.

No, stay in the car.

Put on your seatbealt.

You really need to put on your seatbelt.

Those……all need to come down.

It’s a sin.

You’re jeopardizing the whole enchilada.

It’s a sin.

See you about 10 p.m. then.

7:40 p.m. I leave for the Heeb magazine party at Von Dutch (819 N. La Brea).

My new engine rattles to life. It coughs, it spits, it turns over, it squeaks and squeals.

it’s a sin! I paid $3,000 for this!

It’s a sin!

Oh L-rdy, my car sounds worse than me with allergies. I don’t know which of us is in worse shape.

What a crap car. Why am I driving this heap? Why ain’t I driving Miss Daisy?

A black man lives better than me.

This rusted out husk. That’s my soul. I’m driving my soul.

Ayyyyyeeeeeeee, Rabbi Union was right!

Don’t stall on me!

It’s a sin!

Pull in here and park against the forbidden red line. Run into the mail box. No freakin’ check!

It’s a sin.

Car sounding worse. Growling, choking. What’s that squeaking? It’s coming from the back? The door? The sliding door? The windows?

Must get gas.

Oy ve, $70 for 17 gallons.

It’s a sin.

I park behind a Mercedes on La Brea.

I lock and load with photographic equipment. My social anxiety is running high tonight. Must hide behind my cameras, video and still.

Can’t get freakin’ focus!

The girl checks me in. Does she have any recommendations of people I should interview? Not really.

I’m passed off to some bloke.

And then another bloke.

Poofters. The whole lot of ’em.

That’s what Heeb’s about — promoting sodomy.

I should be in my Talmud class!

Why am I hanging out with the godless? Because they’re easy.

Hipster crowd. Tons of hot chicks. There is no way I’ll be able to talk to any strangers tonight. I’m not pure in thought or deed. It’s been weeks since I’ve gone out and I’ve regressed into my inner hovel and it’s hard for me to come out to play.

It’s a sin.

Ahh, there’s Heeb publisher and editor Josh Neuman (nasty gossip). I know him. I cling to him. I beg to take his picture. I ask if I can blog his conversation (he’s moving to LA for a few months, Heeb magazine is becoming more LA-centric).

Must not cling too long. Must make rounds. Must make friends. Mustn’t grumble.

Can’t get focus.

Maybe take off my flash and replace the batteries. That’ll eat up time.

Dig into my man purse for batteries. They’re covered with kosher gum.

Can’t see in the dark.

Go outside. Fiddle with flash.

Replace flash.

There’s Joanna Angel. I can talk to her. We have stuff in common. Video

After ten minutes, her publicist rescues her.

I’ve sinned. I’ve been greedy with her time.

See an old bloke wearing a kipa sitting off to the side with a boy.

They’re smoking. Good thing or they’re probably doing things to each other forbidden by the Torah.

I must rescue them from the sin of Sodom.

The old bloke looks like a writer.

A bit crazed.

I say hi.

The kid says they’re part owners of Heeb magazine.

I introduce myself.

He lied.

The conversation is awkward.

The old homeless-looking bloke turns out to be a writer.

I ask if I can interview him.

I turn on the camera and I can’t get him to tell me his full name and who he writes for.

I turn off my camera.

Wankers.

I’m about to walk off when the conversation turns genuine.

The kid takes my video camera and the old geezer interviews me.

This really hot chick, Avital Ash (IMDB), lets me take her picture. She takes the time to learn my name. She’s really friendly to me. I feel like a total loser. If she only knew how much content I have to delete tonight, if she only knew that my primary source of income is picking up other people’s children from school, if she only knew that I can’t sustain myself for longer than a few seconds, if she only knew that I live at home with a cam and eat and floss and sneeze on cam, that I have allergies and wheeze all day, if she only knew how bad I sound when I sneeze — that my whole hovel shakes, if she only saw my horrific car, if she only heard its horrifying sounds and that irritating squeak coming from the back, if she only knew how much I’m freaking out right now and how many people hate me, and the rabbinate’s closing in and there’s no place to hide, if she only knew one-tenth of this, she wouldn’t be smiling at me so sweetly and, bloody hell, she could’ve turned away by now, but she’s actually starting a conversation with me.

What am I going to do?

It’s a sin.

The Talmud says, "Don’t talk over much with women, not even your own wife."

Don’t freak out. Don’t run. Don’t be too eager. Be cool, calm and collected. You’re a serious Jew and a serious intellectual.

She asks me if I’m Jewish. I’m wearing a yarmulke and I have tzitzit down to my knees and she’s asking me if I’m Jewish.

I’m the King of the Jews!

I own the domain name MoralLeader.com.

Must not cling to this sheila (who stars in the new film Our Collective Ruin).

Avital is 21. She came here after high school, skipping college. "It was kinda an accident that I moved here," she says. Interview Video

"How?" I ask.

"I was fighting with my parents. They wanted me to be gone."

Luke: "What do you love and hate about LA?"

Avital: "I love the work. I love half the people. I hate the other half, I guess."

"I wrote a movie called Kaleidescope. I am going to co-direct it and act in it."

In Our Collective Ruin, Avital plays a nasty girl.

"I had self-esteem issues after the job. I hated myself."

Luke: "Are you happier being yourself or being a character?"

Avital: "Depends on the character. If I’m playing a happy character, then I’m happier."

Luke: "What are your strengths and weaknesses as a writer?"

Avital: "I’m good with dialogue. I’m bad with plot."

Luke: "What’s most important to you with your work?"

Avital: "I want to keep it honest."

Avital says that when she lived in Miami, she wrote for the Miami Herald.

I go back to the geezer and his kid.

They want to interview hot chicks.

Thank G-d they’re not homos.

Attempts to interview chicks fail.

I can not introduce myself to a stranger tonight. Way too much social anxiety.

I’ll take some badly framed out of focus pictures of these obscene chick rappers.

Ahh, meet two people from LimmudLA. They’re an engaged couple (she’s Abby T. Fifer and runs graduate admissions for American Jewish University’s education program and he’s Avram Mandell and runs education for Temple Leo Baeck). It’s safe for me to cling to them. Let’s talk Torah and blogging and Jews. I can probably run out the night with them.

This is Abby’s first time since her knee surgery on Succot that she gets footwear other than tennis shoes.

"I want a blessing bee more than anything else right now," she says.

She wants to get all the cheders in LA to have a competition.

I suggest Leo Baeck enter.

Avram does not look too sure of his kids’ bracha competence.

Gawd, it’s cold out here in the parking lot.

It’s 10:50 p.m. Not coming. Dinner went late.

Good. I can go home.

Car sounds worse.

Let me get back to my cam. I feel safe there.

When I look back upon my life
It’s always with a sense of shame
I’ve always been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too

It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
It’s a sin
Everything I’ve ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I’ve ever been
Everywhere I’m going to
It’s a sin

At school they taught me how to be
So pure in thought and word and deed
They didn’t quite succeed
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too

It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
It’s a sin
Everything I’ve ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I’ve ever been
Everywhere I’m going to
It’s a sin

Father, forgive me, I tried not to do it
Turned over a new leaf, then tore right through it
Whatever you taught me, I didn’t believe it
Father, you fought me, ’cause I didn’t care
And I still don’t understand

So I look back upon my life
Forever with a sense of shame
I’ve always been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too

It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
It’s a sin
Everything I’ve ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I’ve ever been
Everywhere I’m going to – it’s a sin
It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin

(Confiteor Deo omnipotenti vobis fratres, quia peccavi nimis cogitatione,
verbo, opere et omissione, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa)
[trans. "I confess to almighty G-d,
and to you my brothers,
that I have sinned exceedingly
in thought, word, act and omission,
through my fault, through my fault,
through my most grievous fault")

Abby’s brothers David and Craig are in politics. Her brother Jordan is a journalist.

I found this funny rant about David Fifer:

David Fifer is a very obnoxious Jew (I am somewhat sure he is Jewish) who simply cannot relate with the conservative Christian Kentuckians who populate Eastern’s campus. Don’t believe me? Here is his blog—

http://fifer.blogspot.com/

If you look over the blog you will discover that his co-blogger is Doug Scott, who is also Jewish (I think) Reading his writings over the web (I typed his name in the google search engine) I quickly learned that he writes for UK’s newspaper, the Kentucky Kernel, and has many views that would offend Kentucky’s population. Here, read this. This is from his blog–

"LIN 212: Last class of the semester
Dialect exercise

After taking a quiz, we were told to pair up for a dialect exercise, in which we would ask our partner what terms they used for everyday household items. My partner was from Woodford Co., KY, so an example would be:

Doug: What word do you use to describe a member of the Jewish faith?
Classmate: Ummm…city folk?
Doug: I hate Kentucky.

My partner asked where I was from, and I informed him that I was from Roanoke, VA, and that no, it wasn’t the lost colony. I guess I should have told him how to spell it as well. It’s A Fact: if you are from Woodford Co., KY, you can’t spell Roanoke."

End quote. In other words, if you are from a small town in Kentucky, then you are an idiot. It is hard to believe that the students at UK let Doug Scott walk around campus without getting beat up. It is even harder to believe that EKU would elect to its Student Government an arrogant windbag who is friends with a guy like Doug Scott. I bet David Fifer looks down on "hick" Kentuckians. He must think he is better than everyone he meets. On his blog he brags about his arrogance, saying he is proud of being a blowhard.

I do not have time to go over the many anti-Jesus comments on their blog (I guess their Jewish upbringing involved being taught to hate the Christians. This is more common in Jewish households than you think.), or the rude comments they made about people who support the religious right or watch Fox news (they call the watchers of Fox news and supporters of the Christian right idiots)

David and Doug are two very smug fools who think they are talented. They are anything but talented. They are dorky, lame, and corny. Their sense and claims of superiority over others is baseless (and makes them look clownish) The running John Stamos gag on their website is idiotic and unfunny.

It is too bad we cannot recall David as our president. He really is not cut out for the job. This alien, this…JEW, does not respect our culture, our people, our customs or our beliefs. He is not even from Kentucky. That this smug Jew thought he could come into OUR house, into OUR backyard, insult us, then expect us to support him as president, is the ultimate in chutzpah (a jewish word for arrogance). David and Doug represent something real in the Jewish community, something nasty, and that is the utter hatred and disgust of non Jews, particularly Christian southerners. They have a word for those whom they hate: Goyim. Next time David or Doug speaks to you, understand that they are concealing their smug sense of superiority, their contempt, and their hatred for you.

I hope future associates of Doug Scott and David Fifer read this post, learn from it, and disassociate from them.

 

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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