Man Claims to Speak ‘Australian’ After Allegedly Being Raped by Wombat

From Fox News:

Los Angeles —  A Pico-Robertson man has been sentenced to community service after telling police he was raped by a wombat and the experience had made him speak "Australian".

Luke Carey Ford, 41, from Kurri Kurri, called police on February 11 and told them he was being raped at his home by the wombat and he needed help.

The blogger later called back and said: "Apart from speaking Australian now, I’m pretty all right, you know."

Ford pleaded guilty in the local court to using a phone for a fictitious purpose. He was sentenced to 75 hours’ community work.

Police prosecutor Sergeant Chris Stringer told the court alcohol played a large role in Ford’s life.

From my live cam chat:

guest666:  You know, I once dated an Irish American woman, so that makes us like soul mates, you and I
Emma:  lol
guest666:  I am poor and in need of a lot of money
guest666:  I once thought that Luke would be my path to wealth, but that proved not to be the case
guest666:  He is too content to be who he is.
guest666:  It’s that easy LA lifestyle.
guest666:  Luke, move to New York and you will become a new man.
guest666:  I’m thinking of emulating Luke by setting up my own web site where I will warn women against owning cats and instruct them on winning the heart of someone like me
YourMoralEmployer:  everyone should be warned against owning cats. 
Emma:  why
YourMoralEmployer:  cats are pointless
Emma:  lol
guest666:  Cats lead to spinsterism
Emma:  Not really
guest666:  Cats spread brain fungi
guest666:  Cats are socially isolating
guest666:  A dog at least you must walk
guest666:  Cats just keep you inside
Emma:  Cats are smart
YourMoralEmployer:  cats are rude and ungrateful
YourMoralEmployer:  who needs that?
guest666:  Cats lack opposable thumbs, which makes their intelligence pointless
YourMoralEmployer:  good point 666
guest11:  and their urine is lethal
guest666:  Cats don’t catch criminals or spot bombs or drugs
Emma:  Im off
Emma:  Bye bye
YourMoralEmployer:  plus they spit up really gross stuff
guest666:  Why do the women leave as soon as I arrive?
User Emma left the room.
YourMoralEmployer:  you smell like brimstone?
guest666:  Well I do, but this is the internet
YourMoralEmployer:  your best friend is the devil, or just the devil’s advocate?
guest666:  I thought you were on your own Luke. 
YourMoralEmployer:  I’m his pimp.
guest666:  Boss, what sort of business have you?
guest666:  I want to charge women 4k to hae sex with me
guest666:  Can you make that so?
YourMoralEmployer:  hmmm  I’ll have to do some market research
guest666:  It could be revenge sex with women like Silda Wall Spitzer
YourMoralEmployer:  revenge sex is usually free
guest666:  "YOU HAD SEX WITH THAT?!!!"
guest666:  Luke, are you back in the p*rn biz?
guest666:  Mad typing skills
guest666:  You could be a manretary
YourMoralEmployer:  if you have free revenge sex with Mrs. Spitzer, you could make a mint selling your story to a tabloid
guest666:  I’ve figured out that with enough mice and roaches to eat all the crumbs, getting ready for Passover is a snap
guest666:  I just need to reach out to this poor woman
YourMoralEmployer:  probably just a tic tac, but it might be more than what you have now.
YourMoralLeader:  I was raped by a wombat this week.
YourMoralLeader:  Not pleasant.
guest666:  what is a wombat?
guest666:  Marsupial?
YourMoralLeader:  he had an enormous digiridoo
YourMoralLeader:  yes
YourMoralEmployer:  Luke, that seems so unlikely that you would sit there and take it from a wombat.
YourMoralLeader:  I was feeling vulnerable.
YourMoralLeader:  I didn’t want to say no, I needed the attention.
guest666:  He was so engrossed in the study of the sacred texts that he did not notice until it was over

guest39:  Rev. Dsmond Ford here again. I see my son is playing dress-up again.
YourMoralLeader:  I’ve missed you dad
guest39:  I should have throttled you at birth, you attention-seeking ponce.
YourMoralLeader:  You are right.
YourMoralLeader:  I’m sorry.
YourMoralLeader:  How are you dad?
guest39:  You sound and look more pathetic each time I see you. Your step-mum and I are, however, glad you’re out of the house. We didn’t like you then, and we like you less now. And why aren’t you eatinmg vegemite, you sodomite?
guest39:  You’re not even entertaining. Rev. Desmond out!
steve:  I like your style Leader.  No much shakes you up.
guest45:  My proper name is the Rev. Dsmond Ford. And I’m rightly honked off at my useless son.
guest45:  let’s examine what my effete, mangy offspring has done with this day God gave him:
Guest:  Luke:  re: your Botach posting.  How does someone who barely speaks 3 words of English come to American and is now worth $700 million?
YourMoralLeader:  You must be very hurt, dad.
guest45:  1. Cut and pasted the work of other writers – selectively emphasizing anti-Semitic angles in everything he plagiarizes.
YourMoralLeader:  good point dad
guest45:  2. Sat in front of his narcisssistic ‘web-cam’ tapping out inanities on his ergonomic keyboard.
YourMoralLeader:  true
guest45:  3. jacked off in his bathroom thinking about holly randall’s gigantic bum.
YourMoralLeader:  is that wrong?
janice:  lol
guest45:  4. chewed on an apple like some sort of fair-dinkum swine.
nicolletista:  good shabbos luke
YourMoralLeader:  Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
YourMoralLeader:  al chet
guest45:  5. continued to grow his loathsome beard, cultivating the appearance of a homeless degenerate.
YourMoralLeader:  hi nicole
nicolletista:  that’s quite a  story on the blog
YourMoralLeader:  which?
guest45:  6. played dress-up, continuing his schizoid effort to impersonate a Jewish person.
nicolletista:  botach tactical?
YourMoralLeader:  k
nicolletista:  sigh
User guest46 left the room.
YourMoralLeader:  is it good for the jews?
nicolletista:  another accurate anti-semitic caricature
nicolletista:  you just can’t make it up
janice:  wow
nicolletista:  not good for the jews, dude
YourMoralLeader:  Dad, what should we do about the Jews?
nicolletista:  but what are you going to do?  i didn’t give yoav botach asshole lessons
guest45:  nothing my idiot son does is ‘good for the jews’ and he fair-dinkum knows it. he revels in the idea of ‘exposing’ corrupt Jews because he is a frustrated anti-Semite himself.
guest45:  but make no mistake:
Guest:  Luke :  where do you get these lawsuits you post, is there a website, or do you have a secret source
janice:  my goodness
YourMoralLeader:  lasuperiorcourt.org
YourMoralLeader:  cost me $70 yesterday
guest45:  Luke Ford will never be Jewish. How does it feel to don the trappings of a religion you don’t understand like a clown costume, boy?
nicolletista:  i’d rather accept luke and tell botach to go f**k himself
User guest47 left the room.
Guest:  Don’t tell an arms dealer to do f**k himself
guest45:  Fake Jew = YOU
guest45:  Fake Jew and real homosexual.
janice:  oh come on
janice:  be nice
guest45:  i’ve had about enough of your rot, boy.
janice:  ?
steve:  geez, you can feel the love…
guest45:  You are so loathsome and phony, it makes me regret ever f**king your mother.
janice:  lol
guest45:  and while some might tolerate your swinish, smirking anti-Semitism, i’ll beat you about the head and shoulders with my cane next time I see you.
guest45:  you ARE sorry, boy.
janice:  when you get back come get me
guest45:  you don’t work.
Guest:  hang around janice
guest45:  parasite.
nicolletista:  you have to go to botach’s shul tonight
watchingyoublog:  luke is frozen in time
watchingyoublog:  we must save him
guest:  last picture before the aliens sucked him into the screen
watchingyoublog:  it is really beautiful here this season
watchingyoublog:  cherry blossom festival, kite festival, etcd
YourMoralLeader:  gorgeous
YourMoralLeader:  more than me!
watchingyoublog:  well you have nice weather all the time
watchingyoublog:  this is the time of year we get paid back for suffering through the winter

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
This entry was posted in Satire and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.