Chaim Amalek: ‘If you let the word out that shul was the place to get laid, many fallen Jews would attend’

Chaim says: "Think of the holy work you could be doing! This is no joke. You could be monetizing this, and bringing fallen secular Jews closer to HaShem. I could write half of this book in a week for you. Luke, God has blessed you in many ways.  YOU MUST WRITE A BOOK. The Poor Man’s Guide To Meeting Women in LA. Do you get them drunk at kiddish? How do you do this?"

"I cannot get into the ball park, let alone first base. Armed guards stop me. I can no longer even get laid on craislist. Crack whores won’t give me the time of day. I doff my yarmulke to you."

"What’s more effective? Women or meds? Which elevates your mood more?"

"This woman who drew a heart on a card wants you.  Badly. Send me a tasteful photo of her so that I might come to know envy.

"What you are doing is remarkable, and all without drugs or eharmony or jdate or craigslist."

Well, in the past, more than a decade ago, I noticed that the Shabbat tended to elevate the senses. It made people more alive and more human and more open to one another. It was a great time to swoop down on women who otherwise might not notice me.

Since then, I’ve reformed my ways. I want to get married. I’m rebuilding my reputation.

From my live cam chat Monday afternoon:

ChaimAmalek:  Why is it that whenever I show up here, all the women depart?
ChaimAmalek:  This is the story of my life
Taylor:   mine to Chaim
ChaimAmalek:  Luke, wave your hands to give me a time stamp
ChaimAmalek:  I hear birds tweeting!
ChaimAmalek:  It does sound idyliic
ChaimAmalek:  I never get to hear birds in my neighborhood
ChaimAmalek:  Pigeons do not count
guest292:  you look like a penis with a beard
guest292:  where do you get your haircut at?
guest292:  SuperCuts?
guest292:  i didnt know WalMart sold polo shirts
YourMoralLeader:  yes
YourMoralLeader:  I might have some $$$ coming in!
ChaimAmalek:  How much we talking?
YourMoralLeader:  for my good video work
YourMoralLeader:  not sure yet
YourMoralLeader:  what does it mean when a girl scrawls a heart on the mishloach manot card?
ChaimAmalek:  It means she wants to do a mitzvah
ChaimAmalek:  Now, which of the  613 that might be, I don’t know
YourMoralLeader:  B"H
ChaimAmalek:  Is this girl fertile?
YourMoralLeader:  yes
maddie:  how do u keep all 613 laws luke?
guest292:  Luke can you jerk off with your eyes closed?
YourMoralLeader:  yes
ChaimAmalek:  Listen up you saps, this many whom you pity is really a sort of LIVING GOD – for reasons that I shan’t get into here.
guest296:  So what type of book do you read
maddie:  is it because we see many books  lol
YourMoralLeader:  judaism/journalism./fiction
guest296:  correct maddie
guest296:  and who do you lead ?
ChaimAmalek:  This man is a GOD so watch your mouth, womnan
guest296:  who are you calling woman
ChaimAmalek:  Maddie
ChaimAmalek:  Maddie, how do you feel about dating blokes via craigslist
maddie:  i dont  lol
guest296:  why do u chaimamalek ?
guest296:  you seem the type too
guest296:  you are all mouth and no action !!!!!! chaim
maddie:  where r u from chaim?
guest296:  you have gone a little quiet there chaim
User guest296 was banned by broadcaster/admin.
User guest296 left the room.
ChaimAmalek:  Such is my power
YourMoralLeader:  Chaim is my best friend
ChaimAmalek:  I am from New York
ChaimAmalek:  I am a rabbi in a very special shul
ChaimAmalek:  Bnai Craigslist
ChaimAmalek:  Luke, which way is your shul breaking, politically speaking.  Barak Hussein Obama, Hillary Clinton, or McCain?
YourMoralLeader:  not clear
User guest299 left the room.
ChaimAmalek:  You seem to have your fingers on the , um , pulse of Judaism
ChaimAmalek:  Obama is the choice of neurasthenic hipsters, dewey eyed white girls, and black folks under a certain age.
ChaimAmalek:  Luke, you are bringing me closer to G-d through your example
ChaimAmalek:  Such is the power of true moral leadership
maddie:  r u one of god’s angels luke?
ChaimAmalek:  I’m proud of this man.  He routinely does the impossible, touching upon daf after daf with narry a chassid in his corner to point the way
User guest298 left the room.
ChaimAmalek:  So many mitzvahs, so little time
ChaimAmalek:  Hank, you a teamster?
ChaimAmalek:  Luke, I don’t mean to pry, but this holiday season . . . was there anyone special you waved your lulav at?
HankYablonski:  Nope. Guess again.
HankYablonski:  Chaim, are you real or a figment of Luke’s imagination.
ChaimAmalek:  This is the rumor
User guest6677 left the room.
ChaimAmalek:  People say they’ve met Chaim, but none can really confirm this
User CaptainHaddock left the room.
ChaimAmalek:  Only Luke knows for sure.  ONLY LUKE
ChaimAmalek:  and that’s a pretty big hint
YourMoralLeader:  You feel like a part of myself
ChaimAmalek:  Indeed
ChaimAmalek:  It all averages out.  Which is why none of the women I write to on Craigslist want to have anything to do with me
HankYablonski:  Stop paying them by check.
ChaimAmalek:  I offered them IOUs
ChaimAmalek:  4,000 dead in Iraq.
ChaimAmalek:  Well, that stopped this dead
HankYablonski:  Well done. Shocking women won’t talk to you.
ChaimAmalek:  Yeah….I guess
maddie:  just read you article on homepage chaim
ChaimAmalek:  Did it make you hot for me?
maddie:  no
ChaimAmalek:  I’ve gained a few stones since then
YourMoralLeader:  maddie, i’m shome rmitzvot
YourMoralLeader:  unlike amalek
HankYablonski:  Chaim, if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
maddie:  like to read something decent chaim
ChaimAmalek:  Luke, you are a Judas
ChaimAmalek:  maddie, if we met in person, you would want me.
ChaimAmalek:  Chicks dig fat men
ChaimAmalek:  and that is a fact
maddie:  by what i read,iwould not
ChaimAmalek:  Who are you to criticise AMALEK?
YourMoralLeader:  Amalek, Torah is the way to a woman’s heart
maddie:  clean your act up chaim
ChaimAmalek:  There is not much left to clean up
maddie:  really chaim?
ChaimAmalek:  Politico:  "Hillary R. Clinton has no chance of winning"
ChaimAmalek:  I am as clean as the snow
YourMoralLeader:  We need the Third Temple now!
ChaimAmalek:  Even though  I look a lot like Ron Jeremy, only smaller in some places and larger in others
HankYablonski:  I just threw up in my mouth.
maddie:  but snow has bits of dirt in it chaim  lol
ChaimAmalek:  And bacteria, but just a bit. Same as me
HankYablonski:  yes, nothing hotter than a narcissistic, self absorbed super jew.
ChaimAmalek:  If I were the Governor of New York, I’d be fighting you off with a stick
ChaimAmalek:  Both of you

YourMoralLeader:  I’ve made $6 today off google adsense
Guru:  HO HO
Guru:  good for you
Guru:  u can retire now
maddie:  thats great
ChaimAmalek:  There is another way of looking at those numbers.  They sustain a lifestyle that includes that for which the Elliot Spitzers of the world must otherwise pay dearly
HankYablonski:  Does the $6 cover the co-pay on your meds?
Guru:  no
YourMoralLeader:  I want to cover the Trinity church in chicago with barack and jeremiah wright
Guru:  for 6$ ?
Guru:  oh dear
guest315:  What is today’s moral, leader?
YourMoralLeader:  chastity
guest315:  thanks. i go now
xptlurker:  that’s not working out for me
xptlurker:  hello Jesus
JesusChrist:  shalom
xptlurker:  yes
xptlurker:  christiansingtheblues is his site
User guest317 left the room.
xptlurker:  sings the blues, that is
xptlurker:  so much for Luke
User guest309 left the room.
xptlurker:  has to hit the dry cleaners before it closes, I guess
JesusChrist:  c3x is going to burn in hell
xptlurker:  you’d think with the amount of time on his hands that he’s be able to do his own ironing
JesusChrist:  he have intercourse with transx
JesusChrist:  transexuals are ligers
xptlurker:  that’s the word on the street
JesusChrist:  and ligers are not permited in the kingdom of god
xptlurker:  I’m ure that Luke has taken it up the ass
JesusChrist:  what is this gay music?
JesusChrist:  abba?
xptlurker:  not sure
xptlurker:  I know that he likes lame stuff like that
User guest318 left the room.
xptlurker:  nice waste o electricity
xptlurker:  we need to get luke on
JesusChrist:  guy4guy
xptlurker:  so we can switch between him and sweeteva
JesusChrist:  go to weleare office please
JesusChrist:  did holly had sex in that place?
xptlurker:  jew singalong
xptlurker:  I don;t know how long he’s been in that pit
xptlurker:  la la la
KhunDiddy:  hava blah! blah! blah!…havah…etc. etc. etc
User JesusChrist left the room.
KhunDiddy:  the question of the day is "does Luke have sex with his socks on like Spitzer…?
xptlurker:  I know that I do
KhunDiddy:  why, is it cole where you are?
KhunDiddy:  cold
xptlurker:  kinda
KhunDiddy:  hmmmmm
xptlurker:  I don’t have real strong feelings about it one way or the other
KhunDiddy:  how about if you went to Havana and had sex..would you still keep them on?
xptlurker:  unlikely
User guest320 left the room.
xptlurker:  depends if I thought that I might have to make a run for it
KhunDiddy:  having sex with your sox on could mean a ‘fear of intimacy"

KhunDiddy:  Thre quation is: Luke do you do the old BOMM BOOM with your socks on?
YourMoralLeader:  yo
YourMoralLeader:  yes
YourMoralLeader:  is that wrong?
YourMoralLeader:  I don’t like to get cold feet in the middle of things.
KhunDiddy:  It was signal a fear of intamacy
YourMoralLeader:  Holly did not like it.
KhunDiddy:  it may
KhunDiddy:  signal..perhaps you didn’t want to get to close…with her
KhunDiddy:  Jesus Saves…Moses Invests
Emma:  its a wierd thing bordom
Emma:  hey Luke, hows it goin?
YourMoralLeader:  you need faith 327
guest327:  seriously why cant i seee s**t
KhunDiddy:  Emma , do you make love to men who keep their socks on during "love making"..
Emma:  I dont make love to anyone Diddy
User Emma left the room.
KhunDiddy:  why is that?
KhunDiddy:  there went the Interview
KhunDiddy:  I scared her off
Emma:  lol
Emma:  did you?
KhunDiddy:  Sprtzer kept his socks on during boom boom…
Emma:  good for him
KhunDiddy:  long ones…blck
KhunDiddy:  calf length
Emma:  ok 😉
YourMoralLeader:  is that wrong?
Emma:  what kind of mucic is this Luke?
guest322:  The biggest womanizer
guest322:  even bigger than Luke!
KhunDiddy:  nooooo not wrong but ….ahhhh! kinda unromantic I’d you may be asking for the check and leaving soon after
User JESUSSAVES left the room.
KhunDiddy:  just heard a good one…the Judas thing…after the last supper Jesus asked for seperate checks
Emma:  The topic of conversation here today seems to be based on jesus
guest322:  Luke did you get any tips from R’ Shlomo?
YourMoralLeader:  A few!
guest322:  hope not the molesting ones  🙁
KhunDiddy:  somewhat has to speak up for that crazy Jew…what you want to talk about Emma…let’s hear from you
guest322:  Look where it got him…
guest322:  Can you whistle….
Emma:  Speak up
Emma:  What do you mean?
guest322:  with your socks on?
KhunDiddy:  they don’t make Jews like Jesus now-a-days
Emma:  lol Luke
Emma:  Thats an easy song to sing
guest322:  shukel
Emma:  heya la la la
Emma:  I dont think he looked gay diddy
KhunDiddy:  check out young ‘hollywood" Luke..he looked very gay
YourMoralLeader:  How do we restore faith in the world’s big credit markets?
Emma:  Pointless
KhunDiddy:  that question is too heavy for this forum
guest331:  Let the people that are losing their houses lose them
Emma:  Luke loves it when we talk about him
KhunDiddy:  let’s get the conversation back in the gutter where it belongs
Emma:  lol
guest331:  im for that
KhunDiddy:  excellant
YourMoralLeader:  fave boy bands?
KhunDiddy:  come on everyone..join in
Emma:  boy bands…pointless
KhunDiddy:  Emma…let’s hear it
Emma:  lets hear what diddy
KhunDiddy:  have you met Luke in person?
guest331:  No
Emma:  No but that would be interesting
Emma:  Diddy where you from?
KhunDiddy:  Have you been invited to the Hovel..
guest322:  lets have a kumzitz
KhunDiddy:  from:  many places
guest322:  at Luke’s hovel
Emma:  lol
guest322:  I’ll bring the cereal and grape juice
KhunDiddy:  Bangkok is my favorite city
Emma:  Luke… get some mercyme.. good boy band
Emma:  I can only imagine
KhunDiddy:  hahaaaa
guest331:  Luke, can we get a tour of the room, and by room I mean mess
Emma:  lol
KhunDiddy:  Luke, invite Emma over for some rice milk and conversation tonight
Emma:  lol
Emma:  your killin him
guest331:  What is that piss
Emma:  its tea
KhunDiddy:  you can share that unine analysis you’re drinking with her..maybe chew on some pretzels
Emma:  apparently
guest331:  looks nice out
KhunDiddy:  later you can make a play for her errrr! "flower"
Emma:  Good choice of song
YourMoralLeader:  I have too much respect for Emma
guest331:  hey, where in cali are you located
YourMoralLeader:  I’m not into that carnal stuff
YourMoralLeader:  LA
Emma:  lol Luke
guest322:  put some hair on your chest
KhunDiddy:  Luke my wife came into my office and saw you napping on the floor this afternoon..she exclaimed.."what he do on floor"..I told her you sleep there…
guest322:  looks like we may break the occupany record….
Emma:  He dosn’t need much sleep
Emma:  lol
KhunDiddy:  I bet he sleeps 14 hours a day
KhunDiddy:  do you think McCain boom booms with his socks on….I don’t think the Old Warrier Boom Booms at all..
Emma:  boom booms lol
KhunDiddy:  his wife looks frigid
guest331:  No way
Wookie:  can’t imagine her being first lady
guest331:  So how are you going to be our moral leader
Wookie:  Tax breaks for plastic surgeons
Emma:  Luke what is the best book you have read?
YourMoralLeader:  War & Peace
KhunDiddy:  she looks liike she’d rather be back at the ranch going through her tranquilizer supply than be with the old man
Wookie:  oh beautox
KhunDiddy:  Iggy Pop "open up and bleed" Great Book
KhunDiddy:  Curious turned me on to it
guest331:  Ford, what is the point of all this???
KhunDiddy:  Emma…jump in your car and drive over to Luke’s..give him an hour’s notice to take a few Lavitra
KhunDiddy:  he peomised to make love with his socks OFF just for you
Emma:  lol funny
KhunDiddy:  funnY? what’s funny? I’m trying to get you both laid
YourMoralLeader:  Sex is for marriage
YourMoralLeader:  if then
Emma:  Exactley
guest331:  ha
Wookie:  well, elope and get to it
KhunDiddy:  do you think Luke’s beard will be too scratchy when things get hot and heavy?
Emma:  Something to share with your husband diddy
Emma:  He wants to be the next gandalf
KhunDiddy:  My Husband?
Wookie:  mustache rides honey
guest331:  Luke, how long do you think you will keep running lukeisback
KhunDiddy:  wait til my wife hears about my husband..she has a temper
Emma:  How is your husband didy?
KhunDiddy:  I like her for you…Emma, E mail Luke your picture and don’t cheat..he already knows what Paris Hilton looks like
Wookie:  he sold it
Emma:  What has Pairs hilton got to do with me Diddy?
KhunDiddy:  he’s still trying to seell Mamie Van Dorn and she’s 96

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see My work has been covered in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and on 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (
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