Susan Sarandon Masturbated To For Old Time’s Sake

ATHENS, GA—Though David Unger’s onanistic ritual has changed much over the past three decades, the 39-year-old copy editor told reporters Monday that he was "thrilled" to reconnect with someone he hadn’t used as masturbatory fodder in years: Academy Award–winning actress and perennial sex symbol Susan Sarandon.

"It was great to fantasize about Susan again," said Unger, who had not fantasized about Sarandon since 1994, when she played a tough-but-sultry lawyer in The Client. "It just felt natural and right. Almost like I never stopped in the first place."

…Although Unger is ultimately glad he is once again masturbating to Sarandon after such a long hiatus, he admitted that he was left with some difficult questions about the years he spent manipulating his genitalia to thoughts of younger, flashier subjects, among them Jennifer Aniston, Lucy Liu, and, more recently, coworker Janine Carver.

"Reuniting with Susan made it hard not to think that fantasizing about all those other women was a waste of time," Unger said. "Sure, I had my fun with Alias and Kelly Clarkson’s second album cover, but I have to wonder if I was just kidding myself. Then again, without the time apart from Susan, would the reunion have been as sweet? It’s hard to say."

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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