Contempt In My Relationships

I’ve rarely had a relationship where I was not massively contemptuous of my girlfriend or she was not massively contemptuous of me.

Yet I’ve never had a relationship where we were each contemptuous of the other.

When I date high-achieving women, I’m usually respectful of them and they’re often contemptuous of me, frequently expressing it through infidelity.

When I date soft faithful loving girls, I always end up feeling contempt for their lack of timeliness, discipline, achievement, responsibility and social intuition. I think they’re slobs.

I guess high-achieving women end up feeling contempt for my lack of achievement, responsibility and social intuition. I guess they think I’m a slob.

I wonder why most of my relationships are shot-filled with contempt and why it always flows in one direction.

I think this goes back to humiliation. I guess I felt humiliated often as a child and I have a big drive towards humiliating others and a big fear of being humiliated along with a need for feeling humiliated. Oy, I’m so ashamed.

Shame. That’s a big emotion in this mix. I feel a lot of shame. I sometimes enjoy engendering shame in others.

Shame. Humiliation. Contempt. These emotions run together for me.

I sometimes say in my Alexander Technique lessons, “I’ve been a very bad student of the Technique and I need to be punished. Treat me rough.”

I don’t mean this in a gay way. Just in a manly knock-me-about, I-want-rough-trade kind of way.

Khunrum emails: “When you feel like this perhaps your Alexander Instructor should grant your “treat me rough” fantasy and make you stand on your head. With proper Alexander Technique posture of course.”

Bob emails: “He’s begging for the strap-on, right? I mean begging.”

Khunrum emails: “That’ll make his stand tall. Forget about his other two years of training.”

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see My work has been covered in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and on 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (
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