Converting to Judaism is the most serious commitment of my life and I cannot imagine giving it up, but I know people who convert and then give it all up. Why?
Incentives shift behavior. When people experience strong incentives against a chosen identity, they are likely to leave that identity. In a free individualist society such as America, I assume that the rewards for living an Orthodox Jewish life for some people are eventually exceeded by the costs for living as a trad Jew. If you converted to get married, and then the marriage ends, and your kids leave home, you might lose your incentive to keep living a demanding way of life. If your conversion was fueled by your experience, and then your experience changes, then you’ve lost the fuel to keep going along a challenging path.
Also, as people age, they often experience overwhelming nostalgia for how things used to be.
Gemini: Alliance Theory views a conversion of this magnitude not merely as a shift in private belief, but as a total entry into a high-cost, high-reward alliance. Orthodox Judaism functions as a classic example of status closure. It offers a dense web of social support, clear moral hierarchies, and a distinct identity, but the “entry fee” is immense. A convert trades their previous social flexibility for a life governed by thousands of specific communal rules.
When a sincere convert “chucks it all” after two decades, it usually signals that the alliance has become structurally insolvent. In the early years, the rewards of the alliance—a stable marriage, a clear purpose, and a warm community—outweigh the costs of the restrictions. The convert is often “all in” because their entire social capital is now tied to this one specific group. They have burned the bridges to their old life, making them some of the most loyal members of the coalition.
The divorce serves as a critical “decoupling” event. If the primary bridge into the community was the spouse, the dissolution of that marriage removes the central node of the convert’s alliance network. Suddenly, the high costs of the lifestyle—the dietary laws, the Sabbath restrictions, the financial strain of the community—no longer purchase the primary benefit of domestic stability. Without the spouse to anchor the social identity, the convert looks at the community and sees a group of people who may never fully view them as a “natural” member despite years of observance.
Alliance Theory predicts that at this point, the convert begins to re-evaluate their “status strategy.” They realize that while they spent twenty years building capital in the Orthodox world, that capital is non-transferable. It has no value in the “polite society” or the secular world they left behind. If the internal rewards of the community fail, the convert feels the weight of “social death” and may choose to defect entirely to find an alliance that offers better returns for less friction.
This exit is often rapid because the convert has no “legacy” ties to the group. Unlike a person born into the faith who has cousins, childhood friends, and a family name to protect, the convert’s ties are purely contractual and emotional. When the contract is broken by divorce or disillusionment, there is no structural floor to catch them. They are free agents again, looking for a new village where their status is not dependent on a specific partner or a rigid set of ancient laws.
