When I’m in a good relationship (with a woman, a family or a community) or engaged in a noble cause, my mind settles.
Right now my mind races.
I must become finer. So many people have invested in me — my parents, my childhood friends, my teachers, my rabbis. I owe them. I need to repay them by becoming a good person.
But I don’t want to fall off the deep end with religiosity. My contribution to humanity, my reason for being, is not primarily the holiness of my deeds but the quality of my writing.
Good writing demands brutal honesty. Such honesty can be cruel. It’s not my God-given mission to become a saint. It’s my God-given mission to blog.
Oh why did I have to throw my life away to write on porn?
Oh well, that’s done. It’s inured me to humiliation. Now I can take that courage and do something noble.
I must stop writing in a tawdry way. I must stop taking shortcuts. I must stop using cheap tricks and comparing Brad Greenberg to something out of Der Sturmer. I must make a contribution.
But first I have to live. I have to pay the bills. I must get traffic. Once I’m financially secure, then I’ll be good. But not overly…
