I was looking at some of my 2015 Facebook posts and I enjoyed these:
* I’m asking a representative sample of different groups, “Do you have any pictures of your sister?” and I will be charting their reactions. Which group do you think would react most negatively to such a question and what does that mean?
* I put on my CPAP, got under the covers and then started snorting and spitting when I imagined myself saying to my latin friend, “Do you have any pictures of your sisters? I’m sure they’re very pretty like you.”
* Note to self: Never ask your boss if his mother was able to find sparks with his step-dad.
* I said to this latino guy at work, “How’s your sister?” And he got all ticked off like I was about to suggest something immoral.
* I’m compiling a list of my biggest wins in 2015 and would appreciate your suggestions.
* Friend: “Dude what are you on now, your sputtering out stuff like a broken fire hydrant. It’s like your mouth is ejaculating after ODing on Viagra!”
* Friend: “If you would just treat your mouth like your penis, maybe you could finally restrain your inappropriate words.”
* It just takes more willpower than I’ve got these days to suppress the phrase “queer with AIDS” as in, “Sure, if I were a queer with AIDS, I’d be glad to help you with that.”
* The only way I find to get through prosaic tasks is by wondering which groups I would vote off the island in which order.
* I drive people crazy by making jokes when they’re in no mood for humor. Please pray for me that I learn self-restraint.
* If you can’t be a good example when you’re posting on Facebook, be a very loud warning.
* When dudes tell me they’re on paternity leave, I want to buy them a dress.
* A man was wondering what to do with his kids today. I wanted to suggest a visit to Michael Jackson’s Neverland ranch.
* It’s a never-ending battle to reduce unwanted notifications from Facebook. Why would I care if I somebody posted to some stupid group that somebody joined me to?
* Readers perplexed by scriptural difficulties or social problems are encouraged to submit their inquiries in the comments.
* I long for the chastity of the 1950s when the future Mrs. John LeCarre would write in her diary: “I have decided that in future I will let D touch my breasts, but nothing more.”
* When Talmud class becomes too difficult, I drift off to fantasies that some prestigious group will invite me to speak to them about my life. Then I deliver the whole speech in my head and an hour later, Talmud class is finished.
* Friend: “My mind may not be a less corrupt or vulgar than yours. But, my FFB upbringing gave me the filters and forethought not to share what’s not acceptable with the wrong people, whereas your deep honesty makes you share EVERYTHING that goes on in your rebellious head, and separates us as people.”
* I went to the physical therapist today for my tight hamstrings.
PT: “So what do you do?”
Luke: “I teach freedom of movement.”
