There’s a specific mood I get into when I want to make trouble.
What are the signs I’m going to make trouble?
* An absence of a feeling of connection
* A desire to break through and find freedom
* I don’t value the connections I’m about to shatter
* I think my life will be better when I break out and find freedom
Sometimes, I want to pick a fight. When I have the opportunity to bully, I bully. I had this sweet girlfriend who’d let me bully her. So I’d bully her.
When I’m feeling like a victim, under-valued, under-appreciated, under-cared for, disrespected. Oy, that’s a big one. Diss me and I want to fight back.
Sometimes I get these delusions of grandeur. I see myself as a hero. I feel drunk on my own power.
I often feel contemptuous of others. That’s a sure sign I’m going to cause trouble.
The more secure I am with myself, the less likely I am to pick fights and to shatter relationships.
When I’m ready to fight, I start marshaling arguments in my head about why I am right and the other person is wrong, bad.
I often develop an agenda for an important conversation and then ride roughshod over the person in the pursuit of my agenda. I do much better when I honor the conversation I am in and only bring up my agenda when I see there’s an opening.
I wonder if I can let go of my hurt more quickly and be more vulnerable more quickly so the other person can open up and we can start healing instead of hurting.
I am prone to jealousy. It is underlain by this insecurity, this fear of loss. When I can stabilize my sense of worth, I’m less vulnerable to my rages.