Acting Out Of Fear

"You like me because I’m safe," I said. "You can safely feel contempt for me because I look chareidi but don’t act chareidi. You can have contempt for my Judaism, and yet be secure that I adore you, that my every pore is grateful for your presence in my life. That I need you."

"That is safe," she said. "I’m not sure it is a good basis for a relationship, coming from a place of fear and insecurity."

"Fear and insecurity is just as good a place to come from as confidence and security," I said. "You and I have dangerous tendencies. We sometimes feel confident when we should feel very afraid. We’re sometimes secure about things we should feel very insecure about.

"No emotion is superior to another. It is not always better to feel love than hate, security than insecurity. What’s important is that emotions be congruent to the situation. Sometimes it is good to feel love and other times it is better to feel hate.

"Insecurity and fear are just as valid places to situate a relationship as confidence and security. You could come from confidence and security and make some really stupid decisions."

"I just think you should find security and confidence in yourself and not look to someone else to mother you," she said.

"You can feel totally confident and secure in yourself and still feel fear and insecurity when you are around certain people," he said. "Every one you meet will affect you, no matter how secure you feel. If other people don’t affect you, then there is something very wrong. You are totally closed off.

"No matter how secure you are within yourself, if you are at all sensate, you will be affected by those around you, those you pair off with. You will inevitably feel insecure and afraid. If you never feel those things, you will be dead because you’ve made some stupid choices. If you go outside right now at 11pm on a Saturday in Pico-Robertson and walk the streets, you better feel some fear or you are more likely to get into serious trouble.

"How accurately do you think I see you?"

"Very accurately," she said. "There are some things you don’t understand, but generally, very accurately.

"How accurately do you think I see you?"

"In many ways, not accurately," he said. "Many times you don’t see me for who I am, you just see a trigger for your emotions. You couldn’t articulate my Judaism. Why I do it? How much I do? You have no interest in my body of work. You have no interest in my books."

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see My work has been covered in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and on 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (
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