For thousands of years, almost every female was some man’s property (the usual cycle was to go from being the property of her father to the property of her husband). As a man’s property, she did not have to take the same responsibility for her decisions as a man. She lacked agency.
It would be strange if this history did not have some effect on how women act today.
When I was a Seventh-Day Adventist kid, I was struck by how girls would say and do things that a guy could never get away with. A girl would say something so insulting that if a guy said it, he’d be smacked, but the girls felt secure they would not be hit. I also remember how girls would hit guys with full assurance that guys would not hit them back.
I still see this today. I’ve dated girls who would on occasion hit me if they were ticked off and they felt 100% confident I would not hit them back. I see women say things that if a guy said them, he’d be smacked.
An interesting part of Marc Gafni‘s controversies is how many women claimed that they had no responsibility for their sexual relations with him (while they were consenting adults, no police charges have ever been filed against Marc). These women said they were blinded by his charisma. They were overwhelmed by his status as a teacher and so they couldn’t think straight.
These women are saying that they lack agency — that they are not responsible for their decisions. It frightens me that such people walk the streets without supervision, without some man taking responsibility for them given that they don’t want to take any for themselves.
I notice among women in my social class that even though most are feminists, they usually expect a man to come along and do the heavy lifting (pay off their student loans, buy a home, etc) for them while at the same time, they insist on complete equality of opportunity.
F. Roger Devlin argues that women initiate divorce by a 9-1 ratio.
I think there’s great truth to the cliche that women tend to act on their feelings while men are more likely to respond to reason and hierarchy.
I don’t think for a second that men are objectively superior to women or that one race is superior to another race. I think in some areas, men are superior to women, in other areas women are superior to men, and in some things, one race tends to do better than others, to run faster, for example, or to think more deeply or achieve more greatly.
One girlfriend told me, “You pick on vulnerable women, get their feelings aroused, and then tell them to act in their self-interest.”
Even when I was using and abusing others, I had to do it in a way that justified my righteousness in my own eyes. I’ve never been able to stand thinking I was a bad person. I always had to reframe or deny that. Facing up to the way I was deliberately hurtful to innocent people was just too painful.
I do not think for a second that I have been more of a victim of others than they have been of me.
If I wanted to cross a bridge or ascend a skyscraper, I would feel more confident if men had built and designed it. If I wanted a nanny, I would feel more confident in selecting a woman. If I wanted a girlfriend, I would feel more confident in selecting someone who was a woman.
I’ve always espoused personal responsibility, but when I was growing up, my parents had to constantly lecture me on the topic because my behavior demanded that. When I got out of the home, I tried to get away with everything I could. Looking back on my life, I see much of my behavior as irresponsible. I still feel a reflex to blame others for my problems but through 12-Step work, I know that is a signal I have to take better care of myself and to stand up for my legitimate interests.
When I get triggered, it means I don’t accept reality and I am may not be comfortable with my identity and my choices. I’m likely trying to get myself and the world to accept my false self.
I don’t work on my problems by working on my problems. Instead, I work on increasing my contact with God.
My days are usually happiest when they are the most structured and I have few choices. Choice is exhausting. If I have everything laid out for when I get up, when I know exactly what to do, when I do the same thing over and over each day, when I know exactly where to go and at what time, I do better. If instead, I have to make choices when I arise, when I have to try to remember things, when I have to pull things together, when I am not sure where I am going and at what times, I struggle.
Before I ever knew I had addictions, I did best when my life was highly structured (and I worked and studied a ton). It’s always been important for me to be good at what I’m doing. When I’m thrown back to just being, when I’m struggling to find my way, when I’m looking for work, I’ve found that shattering.
Today I plan to overflow with love for others.
I love the prayer of St. Francis:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.
My new Tinder profile: “I’m looking for somebody to take care of me so that I can concentrate on my tweeting and tikkun olam.”
I felt cold as I walked thru the rain to shul on Shabbos. My friend said, “We’ll have to get you a coat.” I felt nurtured. It was amazing to hear someone want to take care of me. I hope I can learn to take care of myself so that I can quit relying on the kindness of strangers (and friends and family). Can I learn to give to myself what I want others to give to me (without relapsing into the sin of Onan)?
My wounded inner child wants to **** and cuddle and be loved and adored. My Critical Inner Parent says I’m bad, I’m missing the mark.
