Dear Rabbi *******,
As you are certainly aware, addiction to Internet pornography is a very serious problem in the Orthodox world today. It affects all spectrums of Orthodoxy, from Modern Orthodox to Chassidish. It is unknown how many Frum Jews (men especially) feel that they are leading double lives, and are crying out for help, with nowhere to turn. Imagine the pain of a father attending his child’s Siddur party or Chumash Siyum. It should be a moment of great Nachas. Instead, the father is ridden with guilt because of where he was on the Internet the previous night. And the night before.
I was in this unfortunate position until recently. Then, two things happened that have changed my life immeasurably. First, Rabbi ********* urged all of his congregants at last year’s Shabbos Shuva Drasha to install an Internet filter, and to entrust the password to someone else. He went a step further, providing every member with information on how to obtain a free Internet filter for home use ("K9" – see below), and how to set it up. I had reached the point where pornography had caused me untold pain and frustration, and I was more than ready to listen. I installed the filter, and had my wife choose the password (in case the password is lost, it will be sent to my wife’s e-mail account, to which I have no access). While not a total solution, having an Internet filter has been extremely helpful.
Second, I discovered a remarkable website that has numerous resources to give Chizuk (encouragement) to those struggling in this area – www.guardyoureyes.org. This site is a life preserver for those who are drowning in a sea of Tumah (impurity). I know this from personal experience – it has kept me clean, and gives me the opportunity to both receive encouragement and to encourage others.
Please urge your members to protect, not only their children, but themselves, by installing K9 (http://www1.k9webprotection.com/) or another Internet filter, and by entrusting someone else to choose the password. Please also inform your members of the Guard Your Eyes website, and encourage them to make use of it.
The main concern, of course, is whether people will listen. If not, it might be better to remain silent, as our Sages have said: "Kesheim Shemitzvah Lomar Davar Hanishma, Kach Mitzvah Shelo Lomar Davar She’eino Nishma." I submit, however, based on my personal experience, that there are at least two groups of people that will take your words seriously. First, those who have hit (or are rapidly approaching) "rock bottom," whose marriages, livelihoods, college grades, and, indeed, entire lives are becoming unmanageable. Second, those who are doing better than the first group, but have the foresight to recognize that they are on a very slippery slope, which is likely to cause them a great deal of trouble in the foreseeable future. Such people may be inspired to take action, even though they have not yet hit "rock bottom." This is what the Guard Your Eyes website calls "hitting bottom while still on top."
Please consider sharing my message with your Congregation. If you do so, who knows how many people (and their families) will be helped in a major way?
Thank you very much. Kesiva v’Chasima Tova.
KAYZA POSTS: I have very mixed feelings about filters. On the one hand, they often pose practical problems and promote a dangerous, because false, sense of safety. On the other hand, it IS necessary to do something to keep limits on what you get to see. As Dmiller points out, that is not just for your kids but for yourself – and it is part of what you are trying to teach your children. A frum and / or wise person does not put himself into a difficult position unnecessarily. There is a reason that we say "vel tivi’eni l’yedei nisayon" every day in davening
I don’t currently use a filter – my experience with k9 was disastrous. But, at the moment, my kids can’t get on the internet unless they log onto my account. It’s not that hard to do in Windows XP (and Vista). I’ll probably have to install something, though, because my son bought himself a program I really want him t be able to use, and it needs admin access – much, much harder to lock down access.
So, how do I avoid accidental exposure? I use Firefox as my browser, and have several add-ons to keep the negative stuff at bay. I also use google as my preferred search engine, largely because it’s text based (a major reason I have not done much with Bing.) This setup won’t work for someone who already has a problem, but if you are trying to avoid the kinds of accidental exposure that can start a downward slide this stuff is very effective.
My wiki on the matter is not complete, and there is very little there that is terribly surprising, or a huge amount of expertise. But, I’ve found that a surprising amount of parents really don’t have much of a clue. Too many of the either don’t have ANY idea, think that they can just not have internet access and thus not need to deal with the issue, chinuch-wise (forgetting that their kids could very well get access elsewhere) or think that getting a filter (which may be totally inadequate) is going to solve the problem.
If you use a filter, and it works for you, that’s great. But it is rarely, if ever, a complete solution.
TALMID POSTS: I have found covenanteyes to be a very effective program. It is not a filter but ranks the level of objectionability of each site visited and sends a weekly email with a log of sites visited ranked in order from highly objectionable content on down. You can set it up that your rabbi, spouse, mother in law or whoever recieves the weekly email. Filters don’t always work but actually knowing what sites have been visited that may be objectionable is very helpful in stopping a problem before it gets out of control.
HADASS POSTS: @DMiller, I’m sorry you have had a difficult experience. I think that a good therapist will do you more good than a filter. Technical solutions will not stop what appears to be a mental/spiritual problem.
As to my kids, trust me, I follow what they are doing. As somebody said, a filter is no replacement for good parenting. In fact, it can cause bad parenting because people trust it when they shouldn’t.
Rather than trust a machine to keep my children safe, I teach them how to avoid the nastiness that is out there. It’s no different from learning how to cross the street safely. Do you hold your teenagers by the hand and not let them out of the house without you?
BARUCH POSTS:
From personal experience I can tell you that my exposure to Internet pronography would have been delayed by at least a year or two had I not been able to simply go on my parents’ computer and type in the web address of what I figured would likely be a bad site.
I am not tech savvy and did not know how to bypass a filter. Perhaps I would have learned. Or perhaps not. To learn to bypass a filter takes time. To type in a bad web address takes three seconds — a mere three seconds from curiousity to spiritual poison.
Trust me, I’m considered a "good" kid and my mother would never have suspected me. To this day I think she would be absolutely shocked if she found out.
Even good kids when they enter their teenage years get curious every once in a while. No filter or protection means you’re letting it take less than three seconds to act on their curiousity. For heavens sake, even people like Rabbi Akiva almost sinned on the spur of the moment (according to the gemara) because of temptation. It’s silly to trust your kid on an issue this important (and addictive).
Y. AHARON POSTS: Far be it from me to criticize the earnest efforts and frank admission of a former porno website visitor. Unfortunately, the secret desire to view such material lurks in many or most of us of the human male species. Filtering may well be advised for those who actually view and have become addicted to such material. In addition, it may well be an appropriate course of action to keep our children from visiting such sites.
What protects those of us who don’t have a filter but haven’t succumbed to these secret desires is either a strong will against submitting to the yetzer ha’ra or simple shame, i.e., what would my family think of me if they found out what sites I have visited. That shame would also, however, tend to keep those who have frequented such sites from admitting it to others. Hence, the password idea suggested isn’t likely to be accepted unless one can team up with a fellow admitted porno viewer (i.e., keep the other’s password). Either that or being sufficiently desperate at breaking an addiction, or being caught by family in such pursuits.
My point is to emphasize the virtue and importance of shame in keeping us from sin, or, at least, some sins.
