Let’s Jew People Up!

Posted on February 10, 2017 by Luke Ford

Steve: You test your people, Luke Ford.

Seth: I’ve always asked the question can you Jew someone up.

Luke: I love it. Can you Jew someone up? I say we need to reclaim and remake these slurs, like gays did by embracing “queer” and rappers did by embracing n…

I gave charity this morning and Jewed the guy up.

I shared ancient Hebrew wisdom this week with a goy and did a big mitzvah. I really Jewed him up.

I blogged about the benefits of social cohesion and high public trust that comes from ethno-nationalism. I really Jewed them up.

Israel is a light unto the nations. We’re Jewing up humanity just like Isaiah demanded.

When I see a guy with a yarmulke, I know that even if we might hate each other normally, when stuff goes down, he’s got my back.

It’s a shame that whites don’t have the equivalent of Jewish Community Centers where they can enjoy unity, cohesion and trust. I think a White Community Center would really Jew these guys up.

I just flirted and joked with an ugly shiksa and made her day. I really Jewed her up!

How can Jews reclaim the k*** word so that it connotes something positive? Asking for a friend at the ADL.

Amy Schumer’s not fat, she’s zaftig.

When the moshiach comes, the goyim will be lining up to invest in my hedge fund.

That shayg should be grateful a Chosen One even took his case, and he should not kvetch about fees. Yeshivas are expensive!

Yeshiva boys don’t tend to be PC. One I know has named his chickens “David” and “Duke.”

I’m ready to talk publicly about my addiction to self sabotage.

Just told a wife with laryngitis, “Your husband must really miss the sound of your voice.”

When I get caught doing something wrong, my motor functions freeze. It’s like a mini-stroke and it gives me away that I’m guilty. Must overcome! But how?

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Social Cohesion Vs Free Market

Posted on February 10, 2017 by Luke Ford

In Daf Yomi, we’re studying the Talmudic tractate Bava Batra (laws of property) where this week we’ve been learning rules for social cohesion. Jews, I think, are the only group to have survived as a distinct people while living for thousands of years in a diaspora (until recently, a majority of Jews have lived outside of Israel for the past 2500 years). Judaism is a particularly powerful and effective form of ethno-nationalism and evolutionary group strategy.

One of the rules we learned this week is that every town must provide schooling, even for those who can’t afford to pay. Education is essential for group cohesion and strength. What the Talmud does not demand is that Jews pay for the schooling of non-Jews. When America was cohesive and largely homogenous, the public schools were great. People don’t mind paying for social services for people like themselves. As America becomes more diverse, people become more reluctant about funding schools and other social programs for people unlike themselves. To be blunt, I’d estimate that 60% of American whites don’t want to fund social welfare programs for other groups.

The other law I studied this week was regulation of where you could start a business. From the perspective of the Jewish tradition, a Jew can’t just move anywhere and compete with anyone. There are rules and restrictions. You can’t set up a business next to somebody already operating without the permission of the rabbis.

America’s social cohesion has been destroyed since 1965 by vast immigration. It has driven down the wages of the working class and thereby diminished their life prospects. People frightened about the future have fewer children. Social cohesion, public virtue, social trust are often more important than the free market and slightly higher economic growth.

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Provocations

Posted on February 9, 2017 by Luke Ford

* I sometimes wonder if I put so much effort into provoking people because I like attention, it is my substitute for meaning and love.

* Ever notice women once they hit their forties often cut their hair real short and then all their older female friends praise them for it?

* Tell him you were tired, and struggling with Trump.

* Many Jews/Irish/Japs/blacks/Muslims do not like to hear anything that confirms stereotypes, even if it’s a compliment or a joke.

* How many friends would I lose if I suggested that America treat Israel like any other nation?

* So he manipulates money instead of working with his hands, right?

* It’s sad that Kuwait hates Muslims.

* It’s a shame Saudi Arabia doesn’t have an activist court system to stop this horrible expulsion of unwanted refugees.

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How Do You Use Your Judaism?

Posted on February 9, 2017 by Luke Ford

There’s probably nobody I admire more than my friend (he’s never had a parking ticket!) and the other day he was discussing a bargaining position.
I interrupted: “I love how you use your Judaism.”
I’d said the same sort of thing to him before and he never liked it, which I always found amusing. My friend, who’s far more intelligent, normal, moral, empathic and socially well adjusted than myself, hates the airing of group differences (such as that there tend to be a lot of Jewish and Indian names in Wall Street scandals). This time he exploded at me in front of our friends, accusing me of “deeply anti-Semitic behavior.”
At first, I thought he was kidding.
Luke: “It’s anti-Semitic to say that Jews are good at bargaining?”
Friend: “Yes. You mean it in an anti-Semitic way.”
Luke: “I mean it in the way that I grew up in a type of Protestantism where it was considered vulgar to bargain and to talk about money [and that Judaism makes much more peace with the natural passions such as making money, and therefore Jews have an edge because their religion and culture are more based in reality].”
Friend: “You are the worst kind of anti-Semite. You go around wearing a yarmulke and you say these horrible things about Jews.”
Luke: “That Jews tend to be good at business?”
Friend: “You mean it in a bad way.”
Luke: “Listen you, goy. Why don’t you go study Torah with your lesbian rabbi! I study Talmud every day.”
I’ve got a smile on my face while I say this because I find it impossible to believe that my friend is truly upset, because I know I’m a convert, that he was born Jewish, that he knows more Hebrew than me, that he is smarter and saner and more successful than me and so how could he ever be offended by me. In social status, I am gum beneath his shoe. But I have misread the situation. My friend is out of his mind with rage.
He starts ranting that I desecrated everything Judaism considered holy.
Luke: “Which mitzvah am I violating by saying that Jews are good at bargaining?”
Friend: “Mitzvah doesn’t mean law.”
Luke: “Yes, it does. What do you think it means?”
Friend: “It means good deed. And you are engaging in evil speech. Lashon hara.”
He then goes on to list off all the most embarrassing and vulnerable things I’ve ever revealed and by the time he was done, I think we were all convinced that I was worse than Hitler because at least Hitler was honest, and that I should be utterly destroyed like Amalek.
I was stunned that this guy who I’ve always regarded as such a mentch has no limits when he loses his temper. Everything comes spilling out that could make me look like a worm and all forms of retaliation to destroy me for my perfidy seemed to be on the table for him.
I was raised to fight fair. I’ve never ranted like this against anyone. To win an argument, I’ve never recited publicly what people have confided to me confidentially. In my life, I’ve never gone to the teacher to tattle on another student or gone to the boss to tattle on another employee or gone to the rabbi to tattle on another congregant, so I’m speechless when my friend threatens every connection I hold sacred. I always thought of this kind of tattling as bitch moves. I understand that girls tend not to fight fair when they’re mad because they didn’t grow up getting smacked in the mouth for fighting dirty. On this day, not knowing what to say, and faced with an unfathomable volcano of Ashkenazi rage, I end up apologizing for misreading him and the situation and making inappropriate jokes.

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Rabbi Shlomo Schwartz Z’tl

Posted on February 8, 2017 by Luke Ford

The rabbi I most looked forward to meeting when I moved to Los Angeles in March of 1994 was Rabbi Shlomo Schwartz of the Chai Center, formerly of the Westwood Chabad synagogue that served UCLA.

In his lectures, on his radio show, and in real life, Dennis Prager had all these wonderful things to say about Schwartzie and I couldn’t wait to see if this guy lived up to his billing.

He did and he turned out to be one of those remarkable people who inspired my conversion to Orthodox Judaism. Most of the people I most admire are Orthodox Jews. There’s something in that stark difficult tradition that speaks to the deepest parts of my soul. There’s something in Orthodoxy that just helps life and the universe make sense. There’s something in the mesora (tradition) that touches the divine.

In my first weeks in town, I saw Schwartzie at various Jewish events and I ran up to him and introduced myself and bubbled over with my naive enthusiasm for Judaism. I found Schwartzie accessible, warm and funny. Many, perhaps most Orthodox Jews, have an understandable skepticism about would-be converts. It seems like for every 10,000 goyim who want to convert, only about one or two make it through the conversion process and then still keep Shabbat five years later. But Schwartzie never displayed that ambivalence or skepticism with me. Perhaps he saw that I was serious. Perhaps he just liked me. Perhaps I amused him.

We had these wide-ranging conversations. I’m sure I said stupid things, I’m sure I opined on matters I knew little about, I’m sure I was off-balance and off-kilter, but he enjoyed my hunger for learning Torah.

Over the years, I went to dozens of his Jewish events. I enjoyed a Shabbat meal in his home. I was always inspired by his love for his people.

The world seems like a colder, darker place without him.

Luckily, we still have Chabad. The Lubavitch movement is Schwartzie written across seven continents.

David Suissa writes:

Everybody had a Schwartzie story.

I would be someplace halfway around the world and tell someone I’m from Los Angeles, and they would ask, “Do you know Schwartzie?” I would respond, “Are you kidding? Schwartzie’s my brother.” And then I’d hear back something like, “Well, he married us.”

Everybody had a Schwartzie story.

I have a simple theory for that — he was everywhere.

Schwartzie, Rabbi Shlomo Schwartz, who passed away this morning after a long illness, was a Los Angeles Jewish landmark. You’d see his red beard at all kinds of Jewish events, no matter the cause or denomination.

A few years ago, as I was attending a special memorial for Rabbi Harold Shulweis at Valley Beth Shalom, I scoured the huge crowd and wondered why I couldn’t see any Orthodox rabbis. Then I saw his greying, reddish beard. He was limping with a cane, walking slowly down the main aisle as people were taking their seats. I caught his eye and said “Schwartzie, I have a seat for you!” He looked at me and said, “Hey, holy brother. Good to see you.”

After we sat down, all I remember him saying was, “I really loved that man,” referring to Rabbi Shulweis.

Loving Jews was somewhat of a Schwartzie obsession. He was a Chabad-Lubavitcher who internalized his Rebbe’s message to find the “pintele yid” in every Jew. He took the unconditional love he had for his own family and found a way to channel it to his collective Jewish family. For him, this was a natural move. I know, it sounds corny, schmaltzy, tribal, but that’s who he was– a great, unapologetic lover of Jews.

That didn’t mean he was naïve or didn’t know the ways of the world. How could he not know? Over the years, he consulted with thousands of Jews who needed help—parents who needed help with their children, children who needed help with their parents, spouses who needed help with each other. You name the problem, he was there. He saw it all. Maybe that just deepened his love for his people— he saw how needed he was.

He was especially needed on Friday nights at his home in Mar Vista, where for decades he hosted, with his beloved wife and spiritual partner, Olivia, “Shabbat for 30 strangers.” Or 40, or 50 or 60. These weekly gatherings had one unabashed objective: Get more Jews to meet and marry each other. He was a one-man Jewish continuity machine. Is it any wonder I would meet Jews around the world who would say, “Oh yeah, he married us”?

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