‘How Could He Have Gotten With That Cow?’

She was sick about her boyfriend’s taste in women. "How could he have ever gotten with that cow? Those big fat legs. Eww!"

She proceeded to rip to shreds the looks of a 40-plus woman who on my scale was well above average.

I’ve found that women — when they are being honest — are far harsher about the looks of other women than men are. I’ve found that women tend to have little clue about what looks in a woman turn on a guy.

I’ve found ex-girlfriends who have not been shy in critiquing — for good and for ill — the looks of other women I’m interested in. They seem happier when I’ve moved on to someone better looking than them and they seem disgusted when I’ve gone down.

Women also tend to hate the looks of women who seem to communicate, "I’ll let you do anything to me." Guys love women like that, but other women hate them.

I remember Cathy Seipp saying to me about one of my girlfriends, "She looks like she’d let you do anything to her."

Cathy hated that. I guess other women prefer women who are quite strict and selective about what they will do with a guy. That makes other women feel more secure, that they won’t have to stretch themselves to accommodate their guy’s desires. If other women aren’t doing certain acts, then they won’t have to either, but if other women are doing things, then they feel pressed to compete. They don’t want their guy to feel ripped off and resentful and then to wander to accommodate his deepest darkest desires.

Until the movie Deep Throat, most wives did not feel obliged to give their husbands oral — a violation of the Torah!

I was going out with a girl I’ll call Jane (Jewish). She told me about her friend Penny* (not Jewish) who was proud of her ——- technique and taught it to Jane (to Jane’s undeniable benefit, and to the benefit of her male partners) — it’s important to use the cupped fist to stroke up and then reverse the direction of the fist on the downstroke. Penny even offered to show Jane how she performed on her boyfriend, offered to let her be in the room and watch while she did this.

"Men are simple creatures," say many women. "All they want is for you to get naked and to cook for them."

"I used to give my boyfriend a —— every morning," said one girlfriend. "It kept him happy."

Sex does tend to take the edge off many a woman’s bad mood. It’s really hard to hate someone you’re connecting with sexually. The good sex leads to intimate feelings which leads to more good sex. Bad feelings lead to less sex which leads to more bad feelings.

But I can recall one relationship where we were communicating, emotionally close, and having great sex, and she still cheated on me with another girl. That was shocking. I couldn’t believe it. She had gone from my bed that morning to sharing her bed that night with an ex-girlfriend. I’d been giving her orgasms — I thought! — just a few hours before and then bam!

She said it was just a casual hook-up. A booty call. How did I feel about that?

I felt sick.

I was just reading Masters & Johnson and they said that a woman’s most intense orgasms tend to come when she is by herself. Ouch!

Women are capable of so many orgasms and so much pleasure and can open so wide and can so easily enjoy partners of either sex, it’s frightening. Oy, the horror! The horror!

I prefer Orthodoxy where we have lots of rules and it is easier to feel safe. You know what’s expected of you. It’s all written down and you do it.

Mary emails:

You know what I hate? That whole "above average" label that men who have a lot going for them (whether physically, intellectually, professionally, etc) slap on women who are, frankly, gross–because these are men who could do SO MUCH better. Can you tell me what "average" is? What does that mean? Give me an example of a woman who is average. Jeff and I had an argument about this once–he called an ex-girlfriend of his (she had a stupid name) "above average" when I said she looked like a linebacker with rosacea and stringy hair. Men are so confusing. This one would take it in the ass, though. Maybe that raised her stock.

You are right about one thing, though–women are much happier to have their exes go off to beautiful women rather than less attractive ones. I take it one step further by working backward as well–if the person I’m with dated ugly (or dumb) women, it bothers me because it makes me feel as if he might see me in that same league. Preposterous.

When I lose a woman who’s opened herself to me totally, that always hurts a lot more than the loss of some prissy bitch. It just does. So don’t diss women who are willing to be vulnerable. It’s a beautiful thing. It says, "I love you totally."

It says in the Torah that we are supposed to love God with all of our being, with our heart and soul and might. Well, shouldn’t a husband and wife love each other with their heart and soul and might?

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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