I Feel Awkward

I bet normal people don’t walk around much of the time thinking, "I just did something horribly wrong. This was not ordinary wrong. This was unforgivable wrong. Boy, I burned that bridge. Oy vey, I was so inappropriate."

I wonder what it would be like to walk around with your moral compass pointing due north and know that all day and all week you had been acting in accordance with God’s will.

I walk around wondering what I can get away with, and how I can best express what I think and feel without getting beaten.

I suspect this is not normal.

Oh, spontaneous me! But spontaneously me is frequently so ugly and selfish and hurtful and inappropriate.

And screw morals! I don’t want to talk about right and wrong right now. I just feel on edge. I’m as spontaneous as hell on my website but it takes such a toll on my psyche.

I don’t know how to deal with rejection.

Here is what I do: Somebody rejects me. I pull out some napalm in my head and I light it up in my head and I just burn them up in my head so there’s hardly a shred of human feeling left in me for that person.

But what happens if I see the person again and I don’t have my guard up and I look in her eyes and then I melt and all those warm feelings come flooding back and I want to ask her out again but I don’t want to be a fool.

Oh, spontaneous me.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been covered in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and on 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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