Molesting Girls

I was crashing with this girl a few years ago. I was being all honorable and just trying to get to sleep when she said to me, "Why aren’t you trying to molest me?"

She was hurt that I hadn’t even tried.

I’m such a princess that I rarely make the first move.

The other day, I needed a place to crash and I crashed with this nice Jewish girl I’d just met. She’d sworn me to keep it "613" and I did.

Now she says: "Why is it that I am so irresistable to Jewish men? You have been the only one to keep it shomer mitzvot. Do you find me revolting?"

"I met this guy who was good friends with a good friend of mine. i felt "comfortable" wiht him instantly. AND, b/c he knows my best friend (who is like a brother to me) and i told him that, i thought he would be a little more respectful b/c he spoke so highly of him as a person and a doctor. Well, Modern Orth homeboy was all over me…within 10 mins, wanting to hold my hand, etc. i even ate kosher pizza for him ugh! i’m still starving. so, then he rushed me out of the jew pizza spot and so then we walked and then we came back to my hotel lobby…to just hang and he wanted to see my "view" and i was like…i dont think so. and he was like playing with my hands…and it was annoying. so when i started asking him about his beliefs and what prayers he does, etc. he didnt wnat to talk about that. he just wanted to get in my pants. and i was like…i’m tired. and so he has to work in the morning. so he left and i’m hungry. OH…and the best part was…these ortho jews at the kosher pizza place…were totally staring at me and talking shit…i think they were saying "why is this shiksa here??" and he was like…"you’re being paranoid"."

Jane: do you want to make an appt for that when i get back to LA?
Luke: NO!
Jane: why!
Luke: A guy with a beard is more likely to be a gentleman. You don’t get that. It’s a public declaration of your religiosity.
Jane: Ummm…maybe that MIGHT be true, but you are sexy without it
Luke: God is more important to me than sex. Is that weird?
Jane: Wear a huge star of David and people will think the same. i know thats not true. I’l have sex with you if you shave that thing. So lame. You will never find a girl with that thing.
Luke: Because you look a certain way and are secular compared to the Orthodox, Orthodox guys who aren’t interested in marrying you are going to think you are easy and will try to molest you.
Jane: Only Orthodox guys try to molest me on the first date.
Jane: I thought you were smart and had a lot of things going on when I met you, but there came a point when I just felt bad for you. And I didn’t want to feel bad for you. It’s like when you feel bad for the busboy. I don’t like feeling bad for people.
Luke: A lot of people feel bad for me. There’s something pathetic and broken about me. I feel like a loser much of the time, like a f—-up. Something happened in my early childhood and the normal way that people attach to each other, that didn’t develop in me. If you met my dad, you’d understand why I am the way I am. I have these huge shame issues, it comes with having a self-made high-achieving father who can’t help — despite the best of Christian intentions — letting those around him know when they don’t measure up to his lofty standards.

There comes a time at every social gathering when I feel like I have "LOSER!" stamped across my forehead and everyone else in the room knows it too.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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