So I’m sitting in class and I’m thinking, why am I here? I already know all this. I attained enlightenment years ago. I’m way ahead of these people. I could teach this class.
I sit there in mounting frustration for 90 minutes and then I realize I don’t know this stuff and the people in class know this material better than I do and they are moving through the process more quickly than I am and they are far more likely to graduate and marry and get mortgages than I am.
That I am being left behind!
The rabbis are leaving me behind!
No appointment on the horizon. Just lost in the ether.
Damn those rabbis. Damn. I’ll —- ’em up on my blog.
I’ll never master all this material. It’s too much. They demand too much! I’m only flesh and blood. I’ve got Alexander Technique and acupuncture and yoga and therapy and my dreams of a better life. And that’s not even including making a living because frankly I’m not making a living. I’m just sinking deeper into debt.
My Blackberry buzzes. I check my email furtively under the table. It’s from my new friend Yid. He’s a key source. He likes and respects me. He writes tonight to say that he believes I’m…. evil!
Well, —- him. I don’t care what he thinks. —– him! Ha! I couldn’t care less what he thinks.
He’s soo smug. He thinks he knows better. He thinks he’s so wise. He thinks I’ll be grateful to get his opinion. Well, —– him!
I don’t care what he thinks.
Now the rage has changed into depression.
And it’s all so familiar. I always feel this way towards authority.
I think about the movie "21" about MIT students counting cards and making money in Las Vegas. The movie starts with the protagonist making his case for a scholarship to Harvard Medical School. I’m enraged as he has to make his case to this authority figure. Why should he have to humble himself to impress this jerk? Why should I have to humble myself to impress anyone? I’m Luke Ford. I’ve designed my life so I have to humble myself to as few people as possible. I’m practically invulnerable?
I’ve created a life where authority can’t boss me around, except for my Orthodox Judaism thing.
Oy, the helpess feeling of rage. Why do these rabbis have so much power? They’re gonna —- me.
Oy, it’s all so familiar. I always react this way to authority. Must sit with the feelings and talk about them in therapy and then blog them out. Don’t react. Don’t say or do anything stupid. Play the game by the rules. Give the process a chance.
Marc Gafni was right. He said when we met last July that he sensed from reading my website that some authority figure let me down early in life and that I have been filled with rage eversince and I take it out on rabbis etc instead of dealing with that early wound.
I’ve got enlightenment. Why do I then feel the helpess free-floating rage which feeds the shame which feeds the rage and it all creates depression and I scrunch my neck and want to blog nasty things about people and make them as miserable as I am?