Irish Teen Has Sweaty Middle-Aged-Blogger Fetish

BELFAST, IRELAND—At first glance, 17-year-old Emma Smith seems like any other shy and submissive Irish schoolgirl. She loves shopping, text messaging, and the color pink. But beneath her wholesome exterior lies a wicked secret: Emma Smith is consumed by sexual fantasies involving bearded, middle-aged Jewish-American bloggers.

"I can’t explain it," said Smith, dressed in a pleated miniskirt and pure white knee socks. "There’s just something about bloggers who are at least twice my age and nearly three times my body weight that totally drives me wild."

Added Smith, "They’re so hot."

Though she finds all pasty, middle-aged men intoxicating, Smith said bearded Jewish bloggers who carry most of their weight in their stomach particularly turn her on. According to the sexually inquisitive teen, she often daydreams about sleeping with a 42-year-old LA blogger with poor hygiene and work habits.

"I like it when they dress up like middle managers," said Nakajima, twirling her girlish pigtails with one alabaster finger. "You know, with the sweat-stained dress shirts, and the office clipboards, and the khaki pants that are 2 inches too short."

"God," Smith continued. "Those get me every time."

The Irish nymph then reportedly sighed, rolled over on her Hello Kitty bedsheets, and continued leafing through an old Rochester Big & Tall catalog.

While she has always been curious about men who attended state college before she was born, Smith said she first discovered her fetish after stumbling upon a late-night airing of Uncle Buck on television—a moment the teen now describes as her "sexual awakening."

"I was completely captivated by him," said Smith, referring to the obese, unemployed character played by John Candy. "He was so exotic-looking. It was like this whole new world of pleasure had just opened up for me."

Although she has long fantasized about traveling overseas and having a world of carnal delights revealed to her by an aging blogger, the taut Irish teen admitted that she is uncertain how she’ll be received by American men.

"I just hope they don’t mind the fact that I’m completely shaven," Smith said. "Oh, who am I kidding? They’d probably never go for a naïve young sexual kitten like me."


About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see My work has been noted in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (
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