* Two Jews find time to pause and reflect in front of the western wall of the Second Temple. One of them notices that the other is weeping profusely over the destruction of the Second Temple. “Why are you crying so much?” he says, “True, the Temple has been destroyed, but the lot is still worth something.”
* Joan Rivers: “I’m Jewish. If God wanted me to exercise he would’ve put diamonds on the floor.”
* Milton Berle: “A Jewish youngster asked the boy next door to play with him. The boy answered, ‘My father says I can’t play with you because you’re Jewish.’ The Jewish lad answered, ‘Oh, that’s all right. We won’t play for money.’
* “The Israelis have just developed a brand-new car. It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up.”
* “Why did the Israelis win the Six-Day War?” “Because the equipment was rented.”
* And then there was the Jewish Santa Claus. He came down the chimney and said: “Hi, kids. Want to buy some presents?”
* A wealthy Boston Brahmin was on his deathbed. The end was near, and he asked his three business partners, a Catholic, a Protestant, and a Jew, to come to the hospital to discuss some matters pertaining to his estate.
“You boys know I have no family,” he began, “so I’m dividing my wealth among the three of you, in three equal shares. As a sign of your good friendship, however, I would like each of you to make a token gesture after I’m gone, by putting a thousand dollars into my coffin before it is lowered into the ground.”
Several days later, the funeral was conducted according to the wishes of the deceased. At the appropriate time, the Catholic friend walked up to the coffin and placed in it an envelope containing one thousand dollars. The Protestant friend came forward and did likewise. Finally, the Jew walked up to the coffin, took out the two envelopes, and replaced them with a check for three thousand dollars.
* It is Yom Kippur. A man comes to the synagogue in a state of obvious excitement. The usher is at the door looking at admission tickets. As the man tries to walk in, the usher stops him: “Let’s see your ticket.”
“I don’t have a ticket. I just want to see my brother, Abe Teitelbaum. I have an important message for him.”
“A likely story. There’s always someone like you, trying to sneak in in for the High Holy Day services. Forget it, friend. Try somewhere else.”
“Honest. I swear to you. I have to tell my brother something. You’ll see. I’ll only be a minute.”
The usher gave him a long look. “All right,” he says, “I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. You can go in. But don’t let me catch you praying!”
