How To Date A JAP In Recessionary Times

Here is how I date while spending very little money:

* Take chicks to shul, particularly when there’s a lavish kiddish.
* Cook dinner myself and stream a movie at no extra charge from netflix.
* Meet for coffee. Get the iced tea option at Starbucks. Refills are only 50s.
* Go for a walk.
* Study Torah one-on-one or with the world via my cam.
* Take a yoga class after you’ve bought the unlimited classes option.

David Kelsey writes for Jewcy:

You have to give the federation controlled "independent" NY Jewish Week credit. Most Jewish periodicals bitch and whine like Amy Klein about Jewish "stereotypes." But the Jewish Week,  which broadly services the entire NY Jewish community all the way from the Conservadox on the Left to the Left-Wing Modern Orthodox on the Right, is comfortable operating within such…expectations.

Offering advice on how to date cheaply, Alan Zeitlin writes of one poor soul,

On the third date, if he really liked a woman, he used to take her take to dinner and a Broadway show, but now he can only afford dinner.

The hardship of our community has hit a new level of suffering. I had heard rumors of settling for off-Broadway shows on third dates, but the continued economic crisis is much worse than even I realized.

“When the bill comes, you’ve got to have a poker face,” he said. “I’ve seen guys recently who suddenly forget they’re on a date and itemize things on the bill and look disturbed. They look like they’re in physical pain and here they went to all this trouble and they end up not looking very attractive.

Speaking from experience, it may not be the bill. I can tell you that this is most common if you find out at the last minute that your date is a vegetarian, or keeps a modifed kosher existence and only eats "dairy out." Gentlemen, when dating a Jewish Week type of woman, always, always have lactaid pills on hand. It’s far more likely you will need that pill than you will a condom.

ChaimAmalek:  Concerning the Jewish Week piece, I have the following observations
ChaimAmalek:  Dating without alcohol = no sex.
YourMoralLeader:  i love yoga
ChaimAmalek:  That’s why you don’t get any
ChaimAmalek:  Yoga is for fags
ChaimAmalek:  Also, Juden are dating themselves out of existence.
ChaimAmalek:  Dating, dating for years and decades
ChaimAmalek:  The orthodox have a better understanding of what is at stake.
ChaimAmalek:  Even the Persian and Iraqi Jews, as loathsome as they are, at least understand going in that it is all about money
ChaimAmalek:  And get the deal done
ChaimAmalek:  But the Upper West Side Jew? The LA blogger?  A doomed subspecies
ChaimAmalek:  Hello Fats
ChaimAmalek:  Such a name is of value only if it inspires you to lose it
ChaimAmalek:  Luke, yoga is the new porn
ChaimAmalek:  ie, it won’t work out
ChaimAmalek:  How can I pontificate before so small an audience?
ChaimAmalek:  In truth, I cannot.
YourMoralLeader:  why dont chicks burn warts off their faces?
YourMoralLeader:  and nair their hairy faces?
YourMoralLeader:  if you did yoga, you would be less angry
ChaimAmalek:  You said the same thing about Orthodox Judaism, thinking it would get you money, women, and fame.
ChaimAmalek:  And look where you are today
ChaimAmalek:  where do you see a woman’s face with warts and hair?
YourMoralLeader:  i see it a lot and it makes me sick
ChaimAmalek:  What sort of women?  rich? poor?
ChaimAmalek:  I once saw a woman with long long hair on her areolas
ChaimAmalek:  Luke, you need to look past the temporary  surface features to the beauty within
ChaimAmalek:  Your failure to do that, combined with your lack of ambition and hence wealth, is why you are a confirmed bachelor
WELSHDRAGON:  looking slick luke-u had a little trim on ya barnett???
ChaimAmalek:  How do you do, wd
ChaimAmalek:  Still no Emma sightings to report
WELSHDRAGON:  good mate and u?
WELSHDRAGON:  does she come here anymore?
ChaimAmalek:  375 pounds and rising.
WELSHDRAGON:  russians not been in either?
ChaimAmalek:  no eggs, no nobody
ChaimAmalek:  it was the fresh eggs that brought in the masses of asses looking for lasses
WELSHDRAGON:  this rooms gone to the dogs!!! great banter in the past?
ChaimAmalek:  Back in the day, LukeFord1.1 was THEplace to be on the web!
WELSHDRAGON:  i suspect luke may have got her over to la and buried her in the back garden?
ChaimAmalek:  And I’m not really joking about that
WELSHDRAGON:  why’s it gone so s**t here? have people fell out or what?
ChaimAmalek:  I refer to his original site. It had it all – smart writers, aggrieved porn sluts, fringe celebrities
ChaimAmalek:  And now…nothing
WELSHDRAGON:  keep coming back in the hope that it’ll return to its former glory?
ChaimAmalek:  It went to s**t because Luke forgot who brung him to the dance, went taliban and ditched the interesting people for his endless writings on the rabbinate
ChaimAmalek:  Yeah, but I know it won’t
ChaimAmalek:  dead is dead
ChaimAmalek:  And sadly, there is no Cathy Seipp in sight to elevate things
WELSHDRAGON:  religion does’nt sell luke-sex does-sex this room up a little and we’re off again!!!
ChaimAmalek:  He won’t
WELSHDRAGON:  get back to the porn
ChaimAmalek:  Poverty + middle age = no sex
WELSHDRAGON:  luke when did u last have a shag?
ChaimAmalek:  This was a cool place, six years back
ChaimAmalek:  Women can tell when it has been a while.  It turns them off
ChaimAmalek:  I refer to its predecessor web sites as the places to be
ChaimAmalek:  There used to be hot women in luke’s web world
ChaimAmalek:  parties, las vegas trips
ChaimAmalek:  writers, etc
ChaimAmalek:  All gone
WELSHDRAGON:  so luke when did u lose ya way with the ladies?
ChaimAmalek:  When he cut his balls off to placate his rabbis, all to no positive effect
WELSHDRAGON:  nice hair clip
WELSHDRAGON:  fats
ChaimAmalek:  They said "leave the porn, and we will make of you a great nation"  it never happened
WELSHDRAGON:  liars
ChaimAmalek:  He died all that they asked, and for what?
WELSHDRAGON:  on a positive note luke can get u cheap airfare
ChaimAmalek:  This?

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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