* Wife: “I could reheat something or honey, you could pick up something on the way home piping hot!”
* How come escorts advertise the complete “Girlfriend Experience” but not the complete “Wife Experience”?
* My friend thinks the worst of everybody, and it bothers me that he’s right about 95% of the time.
* Friend: “All you do is make stupid jokes and stupid posts! No wonder ************* tried to kill you. Anything to stop the monologue.”
* Just pitched a rich Jew that I could be his guide to the Gentile world. “I know how the goy thinks!” I cried.
* Orthodox Judaism and Seventh-Day Adventism do not approve of bachelor parties, so I’m thinking of asking my future mother-in-law to pay for one.
* Friend: “If you had any decency, any self-worth, any strength, you’d drive to her house right now and save her from a bad wedding.”
* Ever been served Ensure in crystal glasses by a butler at a business meeting with an old geezer?
* Friend: “Do you agree with me?”
Friend: “I always ask you for your opinion so I can hear a stupid response and you never fail.”
* A friend looks at me: “You look like David Carradine in The Kungfu Kid. You don’t look Jewish. The only thing you can convert is Uncle Ben’s rice.”
* A black and a Mexican are in a car. Who’s driving? The police officer.
* Friend: “You don’t care about me. I’m just in a sea of people you don’t care about, which is basically the whole planet. I know who you are.”
* “Where would Judaism be today if Luke were not here to point out the bad things.” (Miriam Lilian D Or)
* I just tried to extend my empathy by asking a friend, “How are you?”, and she replied, “In what way Luke?” Pfft. I’m tired now.