Ladies, why am I still single?
When I came to Los Angeles in 1994, I placed and answered a bunch of singles ads and met a lot of women and had some good times.
In 1997, I went on jdate and had little success.
Ten years later, I returned.
Over the past two days, I’ve emailed 60 women. Four answered me. I spoke on the phone to one.
After we finished talking, I noticed that my chest was covered with angry red hives (and that rarely happens to me, only when I am forced to confront myself and see someone I don’t like).
Here’s how I described myself in my JDate profile:
I like to read and write. That’s how I spend most of my time. It’s how I earn my living. I’m cynical and sarcastic and my favorite music group is Air Supply (that’s not sarcastic). I like to be around smart people who make me laugh. I hate conflict in my personal life. I have enough through my writing. I hate irresponsibility and laziness. I despise people who abuse drugs and alcohol. I believe in hard work, family, friends, Judaism, and learning. I have issues with authority. I’m a rebel with a shul. I like writing about the people society rejects but I don’t want them in my personal life.
My perfect first date:
An Air Supply concert. Joke. It doesn’t matter. If you’re fitted for the other person, you could go somewhere you both hated and it would only bond you tighter.My ideal relationship:
Common interests and support for the other person even when you don’t share interests. You must always respect the other person and once that goes, it’s over.I am looking for a:
Someone smart, well-read, funny and committed to Judaism. Everything else is optional.
If anything good happens for me on jdate or elsewhere in my romantic life, I won’t be writing about it. I don’t see much point in autobiographical writing unless it reveals humiliation.
I put on my profile these two pictures — one of my holding up two lawsuits I’d just received (Jan. 2000) and the other (June 2001) of me wearing black shoes, white socks and some horrible shorts and t-shirt.
As I get older, the ladies seem to get smarter.
Sometimes I fear that my life is headed in the wrong direction. Today I got a hit from this website about 15-year old girls in bikinis. I don’t think this was for one of my learned Torah commentaries.
Joe emails:
I just wanted to give you some feedback about your JDate photos.
They aren’t really going to get you anywhere. The one in the shorts is tragic, I don’t know if you’re feeling bad about yourself, or if you are setting yourself up for failure, but they just aren’t going to help you.
My advice:
* start working out. You can get one of those tube train things for doing solo workouts at home, very inexpensive.
* buy some "phyto protein 100% pea protein isolate", it’s kosher and a great source of protein.
* try getting some photos where your look a bit more alpha-male /masculine. The one with you in the shorts looks very sad, you look like you live at home with your Dad and are on a disability pension.
I’ve been doing a scientific survey and it turns out that my Jewish Journal profile only appeals to the homeless and mentally ill.
Khunrum writes:
Come now Luke. You know as well as anyone else why you can’t get a Jewish woman. You’re broke, live in a hovel and tool around in a wreck that no self respecting undocumented Guatemalan would drive. Your face is fat and your body out of shape with thinning Grecian Formula hair. A Jewess on the lookout for a mate wouldn’t hire you to mow the lawn.
Let me advise you once again to aim lower. There must be a nice, simple "good girl" just looking for a guy like you. A gal, perhaps in this country illegally, who grew up in a shack and who’ll appreciate an older man living in 300 sq. ft. The Serial Killer Van is perfect for driving her 20 or so relatives to the Social Security and Food Stamp office. Try searching Filipino Markets and Bodegas in your area. Or someone else’s area. Never give up my friend. Love is just around the corner.
