Here’s some background on attachment theory and romance.
I interviewed a female friend who has an anxious/avoidant attachment system and comes from a similar upbringing to me:
When you are loved consistently by a good man, what comes up for you?
Of course there’s a lot of good stuff. I have more fun, can relax (for once), am intellectually stimulated, etc. But it also casts a spotlight on all my attachment issues. It can feel overwhelming to face the truth about my psyche. But I also know I’m not powerless, that with more objectivity I can connect the dots between my choices/behaviors and my issues – so that I can make better decisions and improve myself (and thus make a better friend, partner, employee, etc). I feel a lot of gratitude, really. Sometimes it overwhelms me to the point of bringing tears to my eyes (which I am careful to conceal – I’m not evolved enough to show emotion without shame yet). But then I also see how I lack trust: If I ask him to do something for me and he says yes, I am immediately plagued by doubt and thoughts that he doesn’t really want to do it, and my instinct is to say, “Never mind, I don’t want you to do anything for me.” Rather than trust that he’s a grown man who means what he says and doesn’t do what he doesn’t want to do, I want to set aside all my needs and desires so as not to cause him discomfort. It’s a very immature instinct.
Do you think you can be loved more than you love yourself?
I am nervous about the idea of quantifying love in any way. I don’t think of love as a feeling, but more a lot of actions that constitute taking care – of another person or myself – and putting something larger and more meaningful ahead of whatever my current whims may be. With regard to myself, that might mean going to the doctor when I have a health issue (and admitting to myself that it’s an issue, not “nothing,” and that I deserve medical care) – being my own good parent, that kind of thing. With another person, it could mean accepting it when they can’t do some social thing with me because they have to do something related to furthering their professional goals. I take cues from my loved ones and how they treat me, and have definitely learned the vast majority from my friends rather than romantic partners, because I let great people choose me as a friend and I often let bad people choose me as a girlfriend.
How do you deal with your anxiety while you are building a relationship?
For me, it’s crucial not to put everything into the relationship. I have done that before, and my world got very small. If my world consists of my relationship and work, and I’m not finding meaning elsewhere, that’s a lot of strain on my relationship. I try to double down on my 12 Step participation, which also helps in terms of suspending my disbelief that good things are possible. It’s hard to believe they’re impossible when you see ordinary people overcome extraordinary odds to have meaningful, happy lives. I’m not a special snowflake who’s immune from lasting happiness, even if I often fear that my happiness is temporary and soon to be obliterated by an ambush I must prepare for and anticipate (which would be impossible anyway).
Additional thoughts that help me:
When in doubt, under-react.
Remove emotion from mysteries. If I’m worried that he felt awkwardly around me, I just ask: Did you feel awkwardly earlier? I don’t bog him down with how I feel about the possibility. (I’m always wrong, too.)
Stick to the facts as much as possible, in asking questions or your own thoughts. I have to be vigilant to separate known facts from my feelings and projections. I’m not omniscient.
Pick an honorable, truthful, reliable partner and life will be a lot simpler and more enjoyable.
