* It’s uncanny how accurately and quickly my female therapists have been able to read my mood. I’ll walk in the door and sit down and bam, they can just tell how I am. There’s something comforting and reassuring when somebody is so tuned in to you. I’ve noticed in general that women are much sharper at detecting emotional states in others. They can tell when I’m lying and much of the time, they can tell what I’m thinking. The moment I am sick of her company, after six hours of enjoying it, she just picks it up and then she names it and she leaves.
* I just signed up for Covered California (Obamacare). It took me 20 minutes and there were no glitches.
* Old Guy: “How would you like to come to the Billy Joel concert with me?”
Luke: “What would your wife say?”
Old Guy: “You just talked your way out of a free ticket.”
* Rich buddy: “Stock-market is crashing through the floor.”
Luke: “I better call my broker.”
Rich buddy: “You retard.”
* I got my boss to take chocolate caramel clusters protein bars from his kid to give to me.
“Better me than him,” I said. “That’s my life motto.”
Boss: “Your life’s gonna be short so it is probably a good one.”
* Lubavitchers write letters to the rebbe. I’m writing a letter to Martin Luther King, letting him know about two things I’ve done that I’m proud of.
* What exactly is offensive or horrific about mocking the fake interpreter on stage during Mandela’s funeral? It’s racist to claim you can not mock him because then you are arguing that by virtue of skin color, this buffoon cannot be mocked.
It’s sweet seeing the PC crowd all torn between their sensitivities to the deaf and to blacks.
* Many American Jews get disappointed when they visit Israel because it is so grubby, trash-strewn and third-world in places (outside of the Ashkenazi strongholds) while many African-Americans get disappointed when they visit Africa because the continent is black-run and a mess. Reality can be such a let-down.
