I met this woman on a Thursday night. When class was finished, we immediately started talking. We sat outside and drank tea and then she gave me a ride home and I suggested we drive to the beach and so we took the 10 West and then the PCH north, hitting speeds of up 80 mph until I asked her to slow down. Eventually we pulled over and walked on the beach and clambered over the rocks. I took her hand. She expected me to kiss her but I held back.
We went on our first date that Saturday night, to an Israeli movie. The talk flowed effortlessly. About three hours in, before we started making out in her rental car on Mulholland Drive, she asked me, “Do you think men and women can remain friends after having sex?”
I was flummoxed. Why was she talking about friendship? Didn’t she want a relationship? To be cool, I said yes to her question, but I was rattled, and rightly so.
Even though we’d go out for a year, we’d break up half a dozen times. I have an anxious attachment style and she had an avoidant attachment style and it was a bad combination. Sure, it was exciting at times, and overall it was my best relationship because a year in, I still wanted more (unlike all my other relationships), but it was a doomed combination from the start.
If you listen, people will tell you their attachment style. When she asked me about remaining friends after sex, she was telling me she was not emotionally available.
Anxious and avoidant types are best off dating secures.
On the attachment continuum, the anxious are further along than the avoidant. Because Avoidants avoid their own emotions, they tend to be blind when it comes to reading other people. I remember this avoidant girlfriend of mine. She was often clueless about me. I didn’t recognize the person she thought she was dating. She kept saying things that showed she didn’t have a clue what I was about, even after a year together.
