* I usually see a gulf between the stability of those women I date who come from solid homes and those who come from broken homes. Women with troubled relationships with their father in particular are usually a horror to date while women who love their dad are usually a delight. This one ex-GF of mine, her parents started out Orthodox, became swingers when she was about five and walked in on her mom in bed with a stranger, and then the parents divorced and split custody. So my ex-GF grew up in tiny apartments having to listen through thin walls to her father bang an endless variety of amazon blondes. She could never see me for who I was, but only for who I represented to her.
* When you bond with someone, you put yourself at risk of having your heart handed to you on a platter. (Stephan Poulter) Because that frightens me so much, I’ve long sought controllable intimacy (an oxymoron), hoping that if I could become a famous writer, I could have intimacy on my own terms with less risk of heartbreak. So I stay home on Saturday nights and FB instead of date.
* Every boy’s first love is his mother (and vice versa for girls) and the way that relationship played out is going to shape all of your future loves. For instance, if you found your mother untrustworthy, you’re likely to view all women as untrustworthy. If you found your mom manipulative or cold, you’re likely to view all women the same way. If your mom was attuned to you, you’re going to expect that from the woman you love.
* Most of us have just three or four emotions that dominate our inner landscape. If you’re habitually angry or depressed, you most likely have hidden hurts in your attachment to your mother (you felt ignored, put down, etc). Through psycho-therapy, what is hidden can become revealed and healed.
* Single women (under 40) I know have an insatiable appetite to be desired and to have attention paid to them, but 99% of the time, they have utter contempt for those men who want them. This comes to mind because a buddy today told a woman, “All these guys at shul are asking about you,” and then she pushed him for names. And he responded accurately, “You’re not interested in any of them.” But she kept pressing him for names because she wanted to build herself up, even though she would never go out with any of these guys and had turned them all down right quick.
* Which types of people are my favorite? Those with good values, clarity and courage (the rarest of the virtues).
* Shunning is a big part of Jewish life but it’s a trait that’s foreign to me. I’m on friendly terms with child molesters and pornographers and all types. I do make judgments about people and I am careful about who I allow to get close to me (I’m never wrong so far in those I’ve chosen to trust), but I can’t for the life of me think of anyone I shun. As a writer, I like observing all of life.
* Wherever you’re at in life, you can always increase your mastery and that will always make you feel better and live better. When I was bed-ridden by illness (from age 21-27) and unable to do anything but lie there most of the time, I worked on abstaining from complaints, developing my character, and finding meaning in suffering.
* I had several girlfriends who poured on the contempt for me because I liked mainstream pop such as Barry Manilow, ABBA, Air Supply etc and not so much alternative rock. They made CDs to try to convert me. I can get someone who appreciates classical music having contempt for someone stuck in pop but to have contempt for someone on the basis of taste in pop music (if you like Justin Timberlake, however, please explain yourself)?
* Everybody who believes in his religion finds other religions goofy much of the time. I would never treat someone badly on the basis of his religion/race/orientation etc, but I love sitting in shul and making fun of other religions (and other approaches in my own religion), orientations, race, etc. The Orthodox shul is one of the last bastions of being un-PC (along with strip clubs).
* About 10% of the time when I’ve broken up with a woman, she’s set about doing everything she can to hurt me (including a lot of nasty things inconceivable to guys because we’re used to competition and playing by the rules, things like faxing your work to try to get you fired, writing your parents/Dennis Prager to inflict maximum pain on them, etc). I wonder what warning signs I missed? I didn’t understand love addiction back then.
* My greatest fear is abandonment. All significant rejections (ejections, firings, break-ups) feel similar to me because they all bring up my unresolved issues from earliest childhood. I feel driven to cling and to suck the life out of those I love. I suck furiously at the breast that will run dry any minute. When I moved to LA in 1994, I had the delusion for the first few months of popularity that there would be plenty. I sucked the city dry for a year until people got to know me.
