Hi, my name is Luke and I’m an addict. I’m addicted to girls named Lisa. Lisas are born Jewish. I’m a convert to Judaism. They’re the real deal. I stumble. They know Hebrew. I know Aboriginal. They’re little, I’m big. Lisas have power. I feel powerless. Lisas make good money. I make crap money. Lisas have nice apartments and drive fast cars. I live in hovels and drive bombs. Lisas are educated. I dropped out of college. Lisas are busy, I spend time alone. Lisas are socially connected, I am isolated. Lisas go to weddings and bar mitzvahs and christenings. Lisas are active in organized charities. Lisas have high social status. Lisas wear high heels and short skirts and I wear jeans and t-shirts.
Lisas say things like, “If you play your cards right, I’ll take you to Palm Springs next weekend.”
Lisas say things like, “If you play your cards right, you can borrow my car while I’m in Hawaii.”
Lisas say things like, “I want to drive.”
Yeah, I make the number one mistake for AFCs — Average Frustrated Chumps — I put the Lisa on a pedestal.
One day in 2010, about a year into our relationship, my girlfriend Lisa asks me, “Why do you keep going for girls who are emotionally unavailable?”
It’s such a painful question. It feels like a knife between my ribs.
All of my Lisas are depressed like my step-mom. I’m a doting nurturing boyfriend when I’m not in the grip of my eroticized rage. I like to look after my Lisas and give them succor. I’m nurturing. And my Lisas say in return, “I don’t think I’d be with you if I wasn’t so depressed.” And then they add, “You can’t say I wasn’t honest.”
Great!
And they don’t return my phone calls! I hate that! I usually get one call back for every two messages I leave. I have to call and call, knowing that if they deign to pick up, there could be incredible rewards. They’re always playing power games, they’re always manipulating me so that I feel small. I’m attracted to Lisas and they want to cut off my manhood.
I go for girls who bring up the unresolved issues I have with my dad. They’re righteous like him and busy and unavailable and dominant and manipulative and contemptuous.
