I listen to this song over and over and memorize the lyrics and march out into the world singing “Go West” and then when things don’t work out, when I don’t get the exact foods I was hoping for, no guacamole, I crash and depress and don’t feel like talking to anyone.
The other day, I left my house feeling grand after four listens of the above song. I walked to shul singing:
(I love you) I know you love me
(I want you) How could I disagree?
(So that’s why) I make no protest
(When you say) You will do the rest
(Go West) Life is peaceful there
(Go West) In the open air
(Go West) Baby you and me
(Go West) This is our destiny (Aah)
I have this vision of my talking to my 12-step group and then climaxing my presentation by chanting this song. I imagine I’m talking to a shul and I climax my lecture by singing this song. And then I see us marching around the room arm in arm. It’s magnificent!
I march into shul feeling grand. I’m ready to love and teach. After davening, I’m so excited about dinner. And then there are none of my favorite dishes — no guacamole, no humus, no Israeli salad, not enough egg salad, no potato salad. And the salad they do have? It’s covered with fish. I’m vegetarian.
My mood crashes and though I’m surrounded by people, I don’t feel like talking to anyone. How did I go from feeling sky-high to low low?
I keep telling myself, “I’m not directing my life anymore. I made a mess of things. I’m turning it all over to God.”
I hate to make accommodations for other people’s feelings. I feel determined to say my piece. I will not compromise. And I wonder why I feel like a pariah everywhere I go? My desire to offend is often stronger than my desire to fit in, and it seems to take just a few offensive remarks, sometimes just one, and you’re written off and left alone on the ice flow.
I’m not directing my life anymore. I made a mess of things. I’m turning it all over to God.
