What was your attachment to your mother like and is that how you attach to people today? Due to the illnesses of my mothers and various caretakers, I had the intermittent style. I didn’t know if I’d get a hug or slap. “This style of attachment of uncertainty and inconsistent mothering creates over time a child’s fear that the world isn’t a caring, safe, or loving place.”
“The intermittent attachment style is the foundation of for an anxious personality, an addictive personality, or a person who has a mistrust of the world/people/relationships.” (The Mother Factor)
What do I want from my parents? What do I want my father to understand about me? What would feel good? If I could unlock myself, where am I seeking their acknowledgment, approval and love?
* When various friends died, my first emotion was relief because I was relieved from struggling with difficult relationships. I no longer had to look in that mirror. When you watch your parent’s coffin lowered into the ground, what will you feel? If it’s relief, you’re relieved about what? No longer having to confront a difficult legacy?
* Tears came to my eyes when I thought about the possibility of creating a life where you build instead of living a life like mine with the knowledge that everything good currently going on is going to end horribly.
* My therapist told me, “Grandiosity is usually an escape from reality. It’s an escape from a deep-seated shame that we can’t deal with except by building up this imaginary picture of ourselves. Spending your time dreaming about the great things you’ll do one day is usually an excuse from doing the concrete things right now that can improve your life. You won’t take that staff position because you feel like it is below you. You won’t talk to those people because you feel like they are below you. I picture narcissists sitting at a bar stool and telling strangers how great they’ll be one day.”
* In 1998, why do I do write on Dennis Prager knowing I will lose all my friends and my synagogue home as a result? Nobody is going to understand this, but I’ll say it anyway — once I started thinking about writing on Dennis Prager in December of 1997, I knew it was my destiny. There are just some things I am fated to do but you’ll have to wait for the verdict of history to understand.
Out of everything I’ve written, I’ve gotten the fewest kudos and the most contempt for my writings on Dennis Prager. I didn’t expect it to be that one way. I thought that very quickly people would see the merit of my work. I understood I was going to lose all of my friends and my temple and my community, but I thought the pay-off would equalize over time.
* AA and 12-Step doesn’t say you can’t date anyone while you’re getting sober. That’s from sponsors who are drunk with their delusions of power and wisdom. The Big Book says, “We don’t want to be the arbiter of anyone’s sex life.” Do the fourth step inventory, see your patterns for how you use people, get clear and go forth.
* I always thought I failed in radio (from age 15-21) because of my voice, but when I watch these videos of myself trying to connect from the stage, I see that my primary failure in radio, acting, stage and life has been lack of connection. When I emotionally connect with my material and with the audience, it is powerful, but most of the time I simply drone. I’m all in my head and disconnected.
* I’ve never been betrayed. Betrayal is a dramatic self-centered term for other people having different priorities than what you expected. You can only feel betrayed if you hold unrealistic expectations of others. If your mate screws you over in business, it’s not betrayal, he simply has different priorities than what you wanted.
* I feel like God called me to write on porn, but I can’t get the Jews to accept my vision, and humanity in general seems stubbornly resistant to granting me my legitimate place in history. I get the frustration that Jesus and Mohammed felt. I could’ve stayed in a world of light and spirituality but I chose to come down here to a fallen world to minister to fallen creatures to show them the path to salvation and all I get is tsures.
* Here are my boiled down notes for my play: Moshiach, SDA no sing, Waltzing, Klaus Meine, offended goy, rage, preaching, women like dad, standards, family shame, 3 readings. Debts. High-def. Hayley Rivers. Gwen. Gill. Ruthless fantasies. Hack insects. Fire. Girlie mags. Spankings. Captain. Apologetics. Social status. Cindy Anderson. Shul. Do-over. Jeanie. Rainy. Masturbation. Porn bread crumbs to bliss. TV. Jan. 1, 1983 kissing. Goodbye Rainy. 12/84. 2/88. CFS. UCLA. Chinese. Korean. Jews. Holier than Dennis Prager. Burn my mags. Seek help thru singles ads. Diana’s E-cup. Pam. Korean fantasy. 20 women in a year. Porn. 2000. 2008. Eroticized rage. 4th step.
