I was 22 years old and on a downward slide (sunk in sex and love addiction without even having sex or love) when I first heard Dennis Prager talk about Judaism in August 1988. As the months went by, my life got worse, more disconnected, and more defeated.
After listening to Dennis for 15 months, I decided to join the tribe. I hoped that by so doing, I’d leave the downward slide and step on to a rising escalator leading to the promised land. I hoped that just by attaching myself to this better way, things would get better without my having to do a lot of painful work.
I realize now that no escalator can take you anywhere you’re not equipped to go.
According to Woody Allen, “Ninety percent of life is just showing up.” I loved that statement. I kept telling it to myself for years as I struggled on with my Jewish journey. Only after a couple of decades of failure, did I accept that Woody was wrong.
Let’s say you start dating a famous writer. You dream that through your relationship, through just showing up, you’ll transform your writing career, but if you don’t have the right stuff, this won’t work.
If you join a good shul and attach yourself to a good rabbi, you’re going to be on an upward escalator. You’re headed for greater and greater holiness and connection. You’ll end up spending most of your spare time with your shul community. And you’ll slowly become like them unless you’re stuck on another elevator going down in some other parts of your life. Such downward sloping elevators include addiction, psychological baggage and character defects.
Joining a good shul is not a cure for your addictions, psychological baggage and character defects. In all likelihood, it won’t even affect them. What will happen is that you’ll start leading a double life. You’ll play out your addictions in private while struggling to keep up a good front in the community, but this doesn’t work. You’ll soon be revealed for who you really are.
You can join a good shul and attach yourself to a good rabbi, but if you have isolating tendencies like I have, you’ll find ways to prevent yourself from attaching normally. You’ll find means for alienating yourself from your community. You’ll find ways of destroying your relationship with your rabbi.
You can join a good shul and attach yourself to a good rabbi, but if you don’t earn enough money to keep up with your shul, you’re going to feel like a loser. You’re not going to be happy being the poorest member of your shul. Your peers will be doing things that you can’t and this will sting.
From my experience, however, this statement is not true. If you’re not competent at your work, you’re going to get fired, even if you show up every day on time. If you can’t master Geometry, just showing up to class on time every day won’t mean a thing. If you’re dating someone out of your league, just showing up to all your dates won’t be much good. If you don’t have the right stuff to fit in with your shul, just showing up every day won’t help.
I used to play on the BITS (Boyne Island, Tannum Sands) soccer team in Australia in 1984. I always showed up to practice. As a result, I always played in the games. But I wasn’t very good. Just showing up to practice and just showing up to the games didn’t much improve my soccer skills.
I’ve made most of my living from blogging over the past 15 years. Just showing up has rarely been good enough. I’ve had to charm the people I was talking to get them to give me information. If they didn’t like me or didn’t think they could use me, they weren’t going to talk, so I had balance on a high wire between competing parties to get as many people as possible confiding in me. It was exhausting and dangerous. Showing up didn’t mean much. I had to show up and to connect.
I’ve never had a relationship where just showing up meant much. I’ve never dated a girl whereby her just showing up satisfied me. If she showed up withdrawn or in a foul mood, I’d rather she didn’t show up at all.
I would say 20% of life is just showing up, just attaching yourself to the upward sloping elevators of elevating influences such as friends, community, hobbies, learning, etc.
