A couple of weeks ago, my blog was infected by some virus that tried to install malware on the computers that visited me (Google quickly blocked my site when I got infected).
I feel that shame has similarly infected my life. It’s a virus buried deep in psyche. Every day it interferes with my ability to connect to people. When I get laden down by shame, I don’t want to be close to people. I just want to withdraw.
Everywhere I see people I know, I feel smitten by shame. It’s such a crippling toxic emotion.
The shame is coming up so vividly for me now. Usually it is shame about something I’ve written, and I know that in different company, I’d be proud about what I published rather than ashamed. But when I’m around people who’d take offense at my writings, I feel shame. I don’t have a strong personal identity. I keep looking to other people to tell me who I am.
Why do losers attach themselves to me? What’s the barnicle? Posts like this are only going to trigger more such attempts at connection. I put despair out into the world and I get despair back.
I feel like my honesty is at war with my self-interest. To up my social status, I need to write like a winner. I need to curb my expression and behave in appropriate ways. I like the results of those choices.
The core beliefs of the sex addict that I share:
* I am bad.
* If people knew who I really was, they would not want to get close to me.
* Other people can’t meet my needs.
* Sex/love/fantasy meets my needs.
