My mother died just before I turned four.
I’ve often wondered why she didn’t leave me a note to read upon turning 18 or upon getting married or upon some momentous occasion in my life.
If she had written something for me then, I imagine it would’ve gone something like this:
I’m sorry I haven’t been here the last 14 years. I’m sorry you got passed around while I was sick. I’m sorry you didn’t grow up normal.
Despite these problems, I know that you’ve grown up with more love and more direction than most people. You’ve been taught about God and what He expects from you. You may be happy or you may be sad, but your obligations to other people don’t change.
You’re a lot like your father. You find it easy to dedicate yourself to your work. Don’t let the thrill of ideas send you riding rough-shod over those not so ideologically inclined.
Do something beautiful for God.
Your loving mother,
Gwen
JANE EMAILS:
Luke,
It sounds like you are going through a rough time.
Please don’t be hard on yourself and torture yourself.
You are good person, very sharp and you don’t know what’s
waiting for you around the corner
As a mother and woman who was very ill, I am saddened
by your unresolved issues with your own mom.
You need to forgive her for what is, in your eyes, her short coming.
She did her best. I can imagine how painful it was for her to leave
her baby. As I wrote you last year, on her behalf… Mothers don’t
leave their children.
Why didn’t she write a note/ letter in a bottle?
Because it would mean giving up the battle and die. She was
fighting to stay. Now days, its more acceptable and known, at her
time it was not.
But I know she wrote you and still does. Not with paper and pen
but tears, blood and unending love. Why can’t you see it? Open
up your heart, It’s all there.
Thanks for the photos. Its unbelievable how much you look alike.
Yet, your face is so manly. YOU ARE HER MASTERPIECE, the
best thing she has ever produced.
It took me many years and training as a therapist to finally
let my Dad go. He died of cancer when I was 2 years old. I kept
speaking with him for many years but also blaming him for abandoning
me. Only after my own illness, I realized that he is REALLY dead. I
needed to have a burial ceremony and let him go. So, I went to the
beach and sent him a flower with a letter attached to it, thanking him
for giving me life and said goodbye. Since then I leave him in peace.
I am not comfortable with the way I treated him by making him a
punching bag for anything wrong In my life. IT WAS NOT HIS FAULT…
He is dead and could not help it! It also freed me of unresolved anger
that kept festering within me and most definitely did not help my heart
condition.
And so, dear friend, I wish you well. It’s not an easy time for you
right now, but there is always tomorrow…
