I Have A Funny Way Of Showing Affection

In my first year investigating the industry, I met AVN publisher Paul Fishbein. He was very kind to me. He gave me two hours of his time and all the back issues of his publication.

Many years later, after I became known as a scandalous blogger, some journalist called me up and interviewed me. At some point, he said to me, you really don’t like Paul Fishbein.

I demurred. I like Paul, I said.

“Well,” the journalist replied, “You certainly have a funny way of showing it.”

I’ve never forgotten that remark. It cut me to the quick. There have been a lot of people I’ve liked who I’ve written critical things about. To me that was the job of the writer. You try to portray life as keenly as possible and sometimes feelings will get hurt. What’s important is not that all feelings are protected but that I use my talents to try to cut to the core of things.

Still, as I lie on my bed tonight, those words come back to me. I have high anxiety right now. I’m frightened. I’m really frightened. I’m trying to develop my business and I’ve never had a private practice before and my future scares me to death. I am filled with anxiety.

I’m tapping my contacts and turning to my friends and seeking to reach as wide a circle of people as possible and as I do this, I keep seeing people and wincing and pulling back. Intimacy scares me. It’s hard for me to get close with people. I’m much more comfortable at a remove, except for certain folks, like Amy Jill-Levine, I just felt immediately drawn to her. Ninety nine percent of the population I feel far from, but there’s that one percent I want to bond with.

But how do I show my affection for those I love?

“You have a funny way of showing it.”

Ouch! Often strangers have such cutting insights. They nail things that I try to dance around and fool myself over. You could look over my life and the people I’ve loved and you would say to me, “You have a funny way of showing it.”

Amalek emails: “I’m afraid that Luke might end up a highly compensated male prostitute of the conventional approach fails to produce the necessary client stream.”

Concerned writes: “I’m afraid Luke’s Twink appeal has faded like all those unsold copies of his bio laying in the sun-scorched landfill.”

Amalek emails: Luke’s pitch is simply terrible. Nobody wants to give money to a man who whines and apologizes and appears to be on his knees. Nosireebob, they want to give money to and follow a leader, a man who tells them what to do instead of apologizing for what he has done.

He might still monetize his old connections, but he needs to stop kneeling like a yeshiva bachur trembling in front of his rebbe and change his execution. Instead of whining about sex addiction (which, simply put, DOES NOT EXIST), he should be offering AT as a means of becoming a better and more successful performer in films.

But what if the AT simply does not pan out? What if Luke just does not have the salesmanship to make a go of it? He has other options. For example, Luke could work as a twink even now. All he need do is focus on much older women — I’m thinking seventies on up. The benefit there is that he’d have less competition, and more chances for big paydays whenever any of his clients leaves this world for the next.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
This entry was posted in Personal and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.