I live in a state of high anxiety. It’s been particularly acute for the past month as I’ve moved out of my residence for more than 14 years and crashed with friends for two weeks before moving into a new place.
I’m not exactly sure when walking down the street became a tense experience for me because I kept seeing so many car accidents about to happen that never do, but if I had to put a date on it, I’d say since late October of 2007 when I abandoned my source of income for the past 12 years and fell into debt as I developed my new career.
When I walk down the street these days, I keep seeing cars about to hit each other. I keep seeing drivers not paying attention. I see mothers cycling by with their babies attached precariously. I see disaster about to strike.
When I let go of a door after holding it open for others for an inordinate time, I feel myself falling through space as I anticipate tragedy. I expect someone to get smacked and injured because I gave up holding the door.
When I detach myself from one conversation at a party, it’s sometimes agony. I feel like I’m falling through space. I think I’m anxious that even though this conversation was dull, the next one may be impossible to find, so I’ll end up wandering alone and pathetic through the party and everyone will know I’m a loser.
So my life these days is constant anxiety about disasters that never happen.